There should be a warning for this post

I came here to see what I have left after the FET:
Straw #3: 5BB
Straw #4: 3AB
Straw #5: 5BA X2
Straw #6: 3BB
Straw #7: 5AA group B

I am not sure what the plan is as far as which we are xfering because I don't remember. I know he doesn't want to use the 5AA because that egg wasn't mature when it was harvested and is considered "group b". I think that's pretty cool though that an immature egg can turn into a 5AA embryo but I will do whatever my Dr. wants. I assume the 2 5BAs in straw #5. Would be cute if they were frozen together and then became twins ;)

After my last post i wrote a seven page letter to my Dr. about his IVF coordinator. YES seven pages because I was giving examples of emails and texts- I had a ton. She pushed me over the edge by telling me another FET would be free when that is not the case. I tried switching Dr.s but it would have delayed the next FET to March. On top of that I love Dr. H and why should I have to give him up because shes incompetent?

I don't know where I am at emotionally. As long as I don't think about IVF or being pregnant, I am fine. But the minute I start thinking on this, I am a wreck. I am still bitter and angry. I still am in denial I had another chemical pregnancy. I can't stand the thought that the FET was considered a success when it wasn't in my eyes. I just can't believe that I am here attempting my 3rd transfer. this was supposed to be our sure thing. We were even told to keep trying IUIs, yet here I am. I am one of those stories... never assume and never take good stats for granted. I have had kids, my health is good, BMI is good, DH's SA was much better... It should have worked, But it didn't so here I am. I never thought I would have done one transfer in my life... and now I have transferred 3 babies and looking to transfer 2 more. I am sad those little lives were lost. I am prolife and make no apologize for it. So to me, those were losses- all 3 of them :(
To make matters worse my next FET isn't until late February. Nothing like celebrating a m/c anniversary month with a FET :(  But whats worse is sitting on my ass doing nothing. I HATE waiting. I feel like I get to sit and dwell. And while in the past i could use this time to improve my health, I am past that. I want to eat crap and drink soda constantly. I feel like mentally I am not well so how the hell would I manage to eat well? Luckily exercise is engrained into me but I think I fuck even that up by doing too much. Oh well, its the only control I have in my life it feels. So I exercise 90-120 minutes a day after i drink my large soda and triple shot latte. Whatever. I will curtail it later.

Christmas turned out to be a wonderful distraction because i faked it 110%. My house was decorated, i did a scavenger hunt for the kids, I hosted.. blah blah blah. None of it was genuine really because I am fucking bitter and hopeless and angry right below the surface.

Oh crap... I forgot I am PMSing and none of this could be true a week from now so i will stop.

There is awlays, always, always something to be thankful for

It's been less than a week since I found out but it feels like a month!
It has been such a long week... First thing is that grandfather-in-law is doing well all things considered. He will have to have a lot of rehab, but I have seen much worse after strokes. I think we are lucky to still have him <3
Sadly though, my sister lost her MIL Friday evening :( Very sad... She loved my youngest and called him her little redhead. He took it really poorly and has been crying on an off. She took my kids on as her grandkids and was very sweet to them. But my heartbreaks for my BIL who is such a sweet man. He's an only child and his father passed 20 years ago. He basically only has my sister and nephew. I am SO thankful he has them. I can't picture his life if things didn't turn out the way they did with them. It's obviously been difficult for my little sister too :( And because she wanted to be at the hospital in the ICU, I had the baby most of last week. It was lots of pumping on her part. Luckily she is a cow (well she makes milk like one) and baby and I know each other pretty well now. I felt like a mama to a newborn again. It's so bittersweet! But honestly he distracts me so much it's amazing. He makes me long to have a baby again but on the other hand I just just having him! I miss nursing tho! He makes my breasts hurt!!
So when I first figured out the FET failed I didn't know how I would survive. But I only had hours to digest it and then went into survival mode. And I do well in survival mode. Really well. No time to think- just GO GO GO. And well, that apparently worked for me. I am still scared as hell about doing another FET, but I don't want to run away or kick puppies.
I have spent my entire adult life working through my issues... Talking it out. Open lines of communication. Facing my demons and processing it all. I have decided though that for IF and TTCMA, denial is best. Run like hell from most of your feelings. Try not to think about the emotional aspects and just move forward somehow, someway. I am sure it's unhealthy as all hell. But it's worked. It worked the last 2 times and I am hoping I can hang on long enough for it to work this time. After I get PG I fall apart and cry about it all at random times, about m/c and feel like a freak because it slams me all at once. But i don't know what else to do or how else to do it.

All in all I am thankful I am alive.

Do not pass go, do not collect $200

Beta was today but this morning the test was lighter (but still there)... I knew it would not be good news. Took everything in me to drive to the lab and then I had a meeting right after. I turned everything off. It's the only way I could make it through today.
When I got home I had my nephew because my sister's MIL is in the ICU and touch and go (this week has been fucking awesome! My husbands grandfather -he actually raised DH- had a stroke a couple days ago and now her). Time to watch the elderly people in your life apparently.
It was so hard to be with the baby because I wanted it climb into bed and pull the blankets up over my head and just cry for hours. Instead I had a fussy, beautiful, sweet baby... And in the end it was probably much better for me. My sister kept called and apologizing.
Got the call while I had the baby in the bath... Beta was only 9. Baby was crying during my convo with Dr. H and I thought that was ironic. Dr. H actually made me feel better which surprised me. 

I think I am skipping Thanksgiving this year to stay in town for my sister. That and I have never liked this holiday. A holiday surrounded by eating food is like my worst nightmare really. Plus I am vegetarian and national 'kill a turkey day is a turn off'.

Poor DH has been taking such good care of me and finally broke... He came home crying from work. The stress of work and his grandfather and now this? :(
I read on a blog about how IF will magnify cracks in your marriage... I saw and felt first hand how terrible it could be on a marriage (with my ex). But if there is any bright side to this, it's has shown me that DH and I are an awesome couple. IF has only made us closer if anything. And for that i am thankful.

8dp5dt (13dpo)

I don't even know what to say... Lines are slightly darker so I guess that's good. But for 13dpo they are SO light. I am having some flashbacks to the chemical pgys I have had. Then again maybe I will get a miracle! I am just so torn and in limo. Beta is tomorrow and I don't see that shedding any light on anything. I suspect it will be low and I will be in the same boat tomorrow. Follow up beta is Friday.

Nothing like thanksgiving to make you feel like an ungrateful ass while going through TTCMA! I am trying to focus on everything I *do* have but it's so hard when my heart has this aching hole.

Symptoms:
light cramping (less than yesterday)
breast soreness (maybe a bit more)
*I have been feeling PG the last few days. It's odd but I think my body is really sensitive to my own HCG. I don't feel anything with the trigger but even with my chemical pgy I knew by how my body felt even when my levels were so low.

7dp5dt (12dpo)

Pretty much all the optimism has been sucked out of my body. But I can't think about this cycle not working without feeling like the sky is falling and I just don't want to be here. Normally i would be exploring the next step... Focusing on what I will do or should do but I just can't. I can't even entertain a BFN without tears welling. I have never been *this* fucked up... I just don't know how much more I can take.
I hurt... Both physically and emotionally. The PIO shots suck. I no longer get knots since we figured it out, but it still hurts. I have so many sore spot and right now that are just pissing me off. Tonight's PIO injection should make me particularly bitter.

I pray tomorrow I get a great line and look like an asshole for whining...

symptoms:
AF type cramping (which I think is good because I normally don't get them)
Some breast soreness
Mild bloating
emotional- um ya that's probably not a symptom but a symptom of the cruel joke known as TTCMA

6dp5dt (11dpo)

So I am evil and while I am writing a blog for 11dpo, I am not posting it. I am still not sure what's going on and I don't want DH to know yet. If I actually do get a good line tomorrow I will tell him and post this. Well regardless I will post this probably and he will know whats been going on. He never sees light lines so I don't think he would see a thing on these. I only see a faint line on the PM one because I saw it IRL. But a lot of other people have seen lines on the other tests I posted so I could just be blind.
I have no idea how I will tell him. I gave him a daddy book last time for our m/c... This time I have something in mind but not sure it will work. IVF kinda takes all the mystery out of telling hubby.

I am nervous... I do see a light line but it's soooooo light and that scares me :( And if everything is ok, does that mean only one made it? I know a single pregnancy would be best for me but I have gotten attached (really attached) to both. I think having my baby nephew is what caused that. Having him is a physical example of what could be from both *sigh*

I am grateful I got a line but can I get it darker pretty please? :p

Symptoms:
Boobs hurt less- scared me this morning. They still are not as sore as they were yesterday.
Cramps- Definitely menstrual type cramping throughout the day
Fullness and some bloating

5dp5dt (10dpo)

First & second morning urine

So today I didn't want to get out of bed... I was lazy and cold :p So i stayed there for a long while. Don't judge me! :p
I did however notice that my breast are more sore today. They hurt more today than they have in a while. I don't get sore breasts with PMS (hardly have any warning before AF) so this left me hopeful. I thought for sure I would see another line. But First and Second morning urine let me down :(
I am still hopeful and more so today than yesterday. I hope my second line shows up soon!

symptoms:
Boobs definitely more sore today
fullness
mild cramps
had that "crawling out of my skin" feeling again. weird.

4dp5dt (9dpo)

Today i wanted symptoms... I wanted a sign that it worked and two are snuggled in. When that didn't happen? Well it's been kinda a bummer of a day :/
The only up side is I ended my day with my baby nephew <3 I do his baths and he loves his new bath seat.

So I try to visualize the embryos implanting... I have every cycle, but for some reason it's tough for me to picture it. This cycle I have been envisioning myself around the size of them (embabies) tucking them in LOL! That alone is silly enough, but then today I realized I watched too much Magic School Bus. Basically I am Miss Frizzle and I just made my uterus the latest field trip.

Symptoms:
Boobs kind sore- more like chest wall

3dp5dt (8dpo) From 0-60 in 2.5 seconds!

I swear I was a good girl today... Mood was great! Wonderful even! And then tonight happened and BAM! I am going to shank a ho (yes I did just type that. I say it when I am angry because I think it's funny).
I don't know WTH happened. I just got angry and now I am having a hard time shaking it. I just wanna argue with someone or something! eeps!! I hope it means I am pregnant... Honestly it is one of my symptoms. With DS#1 I was kinda aggro. I was afraid of myself at times LOL! I was much more calm with DS#2 but I do tend to get more angry when pregnant. I don't PMS so it's like PMS revenge for 9 months! LOL!

DEEP BREATH.....

Today was a good day. I was feeling pretty zen and optimistic. I still feel optimistic but with a side of flame thrower. Maybe I should see my acupuncturist!?

Speaking of! I forgot about that.... I saw Anna before the transfer and she squeezed me in. She told me whenever I wanted to come in that morning that she would make room and she did. And AGAIN she said it was transfer day so no charge! <3 Sooooo sweet! I guess that's her new policy LOL! She sent me a sweet text later in the day wishing me well and so I replied with a picture of the embabies <3 She said it gave her chills :)

Symptoms:
Anger?
boobs still about the same (maybe a little more or more often)
light cramping again
eta: I want to crawl out of my skin. Hard to explain but it's physical and I really wanna crawl outta my own skin...

2dp5dt (7dpo)

I have made it almost three whole days without losing my mind :p
I am doing good... Actually not anxious as i have been in the past. Not really hormonal and been doing well reminding myself to remain calm even when my poor children (who have had little sleep because of rehearsals running until 11pm) acts like brats! LOL! Poor kiddos! So glad this is the last rehearsal because past midnight bedtimes are no good! I can;t imagine what the public school kids do!

Anyway, I have started symptom spotting and that's annoying to say the least. Every twinge or ouch and I wonder if it means something. And it does... That i am f'ing crazy :p
Too early for symptoms but JIC-

Symptoms:
boobs seem a bit more sore
headache tonight
very mild cramping
smells bothering me today

1dp5dt (6dpo)

Whew! I didn't know someone could sleep that much! I slept so much since the transfer... I think I just needed the break maybe? I dunno but I feel good!

I was tired when I got to the clinic yesterday and fell asleep in the waiting room! I never do that! LOL! But it was a nice nap :D
The transfer (as I said) went well :) I got the embryologist from my retrieval that I liked a lot. She even showed us the straws the babies were frozen in! So cool!
I asked Dr. H about my lining last time since I couldn't remember- it was 8.8 which is good but this time around it's 11.8 so I am hoping that helps make a difference.
They were really happy (as am I) that the thaw was 100% for both. I guess the % has to do with how well they thaw and both troopers did perfect! And both are still perfect 5AA (actually i guess 6AA is the best but they rarely see that so they say 5AA is best).
Everything sounds so good but my last one was a 5AA and he didn't stick :/ So i can;t be too comfortable. But I am so optimistic! And I honestly am just going to continue on this road because worrying won't do me any good at this point or make it hurt less if this doesn't work. 

DH wore his groom socks and didn't tell me until we got there <3 Super sweet! Love that man! And since we had to use the procedure room (I was happy about that because I wanted a sterile environment and they normally don't do it that way) DH got to wear sexy scrubs:

Symptom:
Nothing new yet!

I would like to introduce you to.... (FET DAY)

The twins ;)

Both 5AA, 5 day blastocysts

Everything went beautifully and I feel much better about this transfer than the last transfer :)

Will post more later :)

And tomorrow is the day!

Well since it's past midnight technically it's today!
It went by incredibly fast but also painfully slow. If you have btdt you get what I am saying I think.

So I was supposed to get the call yesterday about the time for the FET but of course I never got the call. I *knew* I woudln't get that call. Somehow that always seems to happen to me. Luckily I have learned to roll with it but it's annoying!!! I even text the IVF coordinator asking when I woudl get the call.

ME: Hi day. Do you about what time the clinic calls with a time for the transfer?
Thank you
HER:late afternoon because they have to schedule retrievals first
ME: OK thank u!
HER:

:)) good luck !!!

ME: (7:30pm!) Should I be concerned I still have not been called?
HER: just send dr h a message that u will show up at 7:30 at fre on monday.
ME:I'm confused... I should send a message? Or you sent a message and that's my procedure time?
I have no way of messaging anyone but you since I am not on kp.org
HER:ok - are you talking about fet transfer or an ultrasound
HER: i don 't have charts with me since i'm off.
HER:i had two kimberly calling today.
HER:is this m(*my last name*l??
HER:disregard about 7;30 - thats for the other kimberly. i don't have caller id and thought you were the HER:one asking about ulyrasound appointment. When is you
HER:r yransfer scheduled for?
HER:whatever day its on, that day in late pm they will call you and tell you what time you should show up for your transfer.
HER:sorry - i meant the day beforevrge transfer.
HER:before the trAnsfer. I'm in car trying to text sorry abouf errorx
HER:just called Dr Harris - he will call you tomorrow - he'll havw acess to computer.
ME: Thank you

YES those were all separate texts! She tried calling but I couldn't answer.
Ummm WTF is wrong with her???
We have text many times in the past. I posted some here where she was being like this. But she doesn't know which Kimberly I am?
She is off Sundays and Mondays... But now she is off Saturdays too? And I have been told by her that I am to call HER if something comes up.
I am sorry but she is stupid. There I said it. And I mean it as horrible as it sounds. But OMG WTF is wrong with her and WTF are they thinking having her do such an important job???
This isn't the first or even sceond time I have felt like I wanted to strangle her... I am going to write a complaint later.

Oh and Dr. Harris didn;t call me today but the clinic did. Whatever.
Thing is I LOVE Dr. Harris but at this point? My friend is asking about a reccomendation and I am going to tell her not to use him (but stay with Kaiser as the rates are best) if Day is involved. I would not want to set anyone up to deal with her. It's ridiculas.

OKAY vent over! :)
I am actually in a good mood and not stressing no matter how much of a bitch I sound like right now ;)

I have an acupuncture appointment and then we head to the clinic! I will update after I am PUPO with the twins! Oy... twins! Eek! But as DH said, "Rather have 2 than none!"

Almost FET time!

I have been horrible about updating... Not sure why but I want to read something deep into it. But i will spare you my self reflection and just say I wasn't feeling it! LOL!

So I have been on my drugs and it's been interesting.
Let me backup... I try to write this blog for 3 reasons.
1) It journal this journey for myself and my family
2) To process all this stuff that goes hand in hand with TTC and especially IVF
3) To maybe help someone now, or years from now since I plan on leaving this journal up. While 1 & 2 are my priorites, I try and write about things I wanted to know when I was first starting this journey. So at times I will write about things only for that reason.

This brings me back to meds!
You can check out my calendar to see when I took each medication.
Did BCP again. and again I hated them. Now that I have done a bunch of medications between my injection cycle with DS2, the IVF and now FET, I can say that I hate BCP the most. How weird is that?? I have never been on BCP so had no idea what to expect. But doing it for 2 months before the fresh cycle and now a month before this one? I know they are not for me. Maybe it's just this type? I was so on edge and hormonal. It felt like I was PMSing all the time. And my face, oh my poor face! I broke out so badly! I always have some acne but my face looked horrible. I probably had 50 pimples all over my face and it was hurting :/ Got off BCP and within 2 weeks I was back to my normal 5-10 pmiples and much less edgey. So weird.
Lurpon- Oh how I feared Lupron! But ironically it didn;t seem to effect me. It was an easy stick and didn't burn much going in. Left some bruising but not bad. I did those myself (I do all my own SQ).
Medrol- (is a steroid hormone commonly used in IVF cycles. While the actual benefit of Medrol has not been established, it may help prevent the body from rejecting the transferred embryos. *) I took this again, and again it is the nastiess medication I have ever taken! It leave a horrible after taste that is hard to get rid of! YUCK!!! I stop those tonight thankfully :)
Estradiol- I am taking more this cycle than I did last time for the fresh cycle. At first my body kind of freaked out a bit- felt hormonal and pumped with drugs. Luckily that didn;t last and I guess my body got used to it?
Prometrium- I took this with all my IUI cycles but not this much. I am taking it 3x a day and I admit that middle dose is a PITA for me to remember. I set an alarm but I often will snooze it til I get a chance to go to the restroom (often I am not home) and then I forget. I think after the transfer I will remember it easier. It has been messy and taking 3 a day has been really messy. Worth it in the end ;)
Progesterone- I was super nervous about this one because it's IM and DH would be injecting me. I trust DH (he preps my SQ injections) but I am a control freak. The first night was funny. Poor DH was SO nervous. It was kinda cute actually :D LOL! He injected me and then realized he forgot to get the air out so he had to re-poke me :p LOL!
So my biggest fear with PIO was the stories about knots and pain. The first night went well and I was hoping maybe I could escape that fate... But nope. I have knots and my ass hurts. I have tried some of the tricks but nothing is working yet. I heat the oil up before hand and use a heating pad. I rub the injection spot but maybe not for long enough? It was suggested I rub longer so I tried that last night. So far it sees to be working. We will see!
The PIO are a pain in the ass- pun intended! BUT will be worth it for our baby <3

So much more I wanted to write- like about my appointment this week- but I will have to later tonight!

Happy Halloween (or not I guess)

I shouldn't be surprised but IF depression snuck up on me today... Seeing my adorable nephew dressed adorably triggered some sadness in me. I started wondering how different things would be if IF never happened. I also realized I was avoiding it more this year than ever (compared to the last few). The boys went with their Dad as usual, and I did yard work. Bad choice as I had too much time to think.
While I was melancholy, I also started thinking about the women who have no children and how this is yet another holiday that reminds them of what you don't have. Put things in perspective for me. I spent some time with DH so that was really nice and ended the day less depressed thankfully.

I have been avoiding IVF in general lately. I am scared and avoiding it is my way of coping. I am having a hard time getting excited about the FET. I am so afraid of it not working like last cycle. I just don't know how to shake it. I am hoping I will again have a breakthrough and start to get excited. Less than 3 weeks to go so i hope it happens soon. 

I am an aunty again :)

My sissy had her little boy after a long labor. I was her birth coach so it was a long week!

I was up for days and it was tough because Oct 5th was his birthday and my m/c EDD was 10/6. I thought for sure I would be pregnant by now. Anyway...
He is beautiful! I know most babies are adorable and sweet but this little one has such a calm demeanor and is so sweet! He only cries when his diaper is being changed or when he is naked! LOL! Other than that, nothing!! I stay nights with them since his daddy is NOT a night person and my sister has severe anxiety and can;t sleep. He is in my arms right now and I finally figured out how to use the computer AND watch him LOL! But I will admit I am home for the first time and my couch helps ;) My sister felt badly that I haven;t been home at night in many nights so she packed up and headed here for the night. She is a cow when it comes to milk and nursing so she pumped a bottle for the first time for tonight. I am hoping she can get more than 3 hours sleep tonight! I am not sure she will be able to to tho... She wakes to feed him before I even come and get her. I was the same way with my kids. So I will give him his first bottle. I am a BFing mom so I am nervous as I have never done this. But he is so easy I am sure it will be fine. And I am honestly not worried about nipple confusion with him (I was with mine).
My sister did the same for me- whatever I needed after birthing. We take care of each other <3 But must add her new husband is wonderful! With her other son I felt bad leaving in the morning because her husband then did little to nothing! This time around I am not worried. He is a sweet guy and so happy! He goes back to work next week though ;( I hope she does ok without him because I can;t do nights AND days next week. i have too much on my plate.

My hormones are SO out of whack! Since his birth I have been bleeding on an off. And my boobs hurt like milk is coming in! eek! I have an u/s next week and start lurpon so hopefully things will work itself out. I also will be leaving on vacation on the 20th so not holding him all night should help. I planned a last minute Disneyland trip after the IVF failed. It was all I could do to pull myself out of depression. And I still haven't broke the news to my boys that things will be taking longer. I told them I would know by Halloween and hoped it would be happy news. They don't know or understand the details of IVF but know we have been seeing "the Doctor" for help getting pregnant. I probably shouldn't have said anything to them but I was sure it would work :(
I am thinking of telling them during vacation that now we will know by Christmas if it worked. This is uncharted territory right now. I am sad for the boys and don't know what is the right or wrong thing to do regarding them. they just want another sibling and have for years now :/

I should probably end this. Sleep deprivation isn't helping me compose this post! LOL! I feel pretty stupid silly right now ;)

Happy Birthday James! Aunty loves you!!

Should this be the WTF post?

I have read that most people have WTF went wrong appointments after a failed IVF. So I guess this would be a WTF post, but not really. I am actually at peace with it. I don;t really wonder like I thought I would. I think mostly because I wasn't feeling as positive after the ER. I hate to sound wimpy but it kicked my ass. I never thought I would be sore for so long and I felt like it screwed my mojo up majorly. And then the being thrown for a loop with transferring one didn't help me mentally. I felt just off. I don't think in anyway I jinxed the cycle ;) In fact after watching the transfer and such, I felt like it would stick if it was meant to stick. And thought it would work! But as days went by NOTHING was happening! I wasn't feeling symptoms of pregnancy. I have been pregnant many times and even my super early m/c I could tell. I just wasn't feeling anything! So I mourned for days before even 14dpo. I am happy I tested early because getting slammed all on one days would have crushed me. Not that I wasn't crushed, but it was over a period of a few days. I also didn't want our IVF coordinator to be the one to tell me.
So I never did have my WTF appointment. I think because I weaseled my way into the next FET cycle. They wanted me to do the Dec cycle and I thought that's what they would say. I was dead set against doing it during Dec and finding out during Christmas? NO THANKS. So after a bit they agreed thankfully!
I did however speak with my Dr. and he agreed we will be transferring 2 frosties :)
So this we will be transferring the two 5AA from group 1!  I can;t believe I have 2 beautiful ones to transfer! Honestly this is the first thing to go as planned! Everything I have hoped for never seems to happen but my frosties did! And I am so grateful!
Straw #1: 5AA
Straw #2: 5AA
Straw #3: 5BB
Straw #4: 3AB
Straw #5: 5BA X2
Straw #6: 3BB
Straw #7: 5AA group B 

I think I have been avoiding thing post because I am so afraid... I can;t even think about if this didn't work. And now my bubble has been burst by having a failed IVF cycle ya know? So everything can appear perfect and beautiful and still get a BFN :/ I just can't wrap my brain around it NOT working so I have avoided feeling much to be honest. Just been on autopilot.

Beyond that, when we started looking into IVF, I was afraid of twins. Scared the crap out of me and I have never been the one to want them. I knew I had to work past this if we would be doing IVF. Slowly but surly I started googling and warming myself up tot he idea. Day dreaming all the positives and solving all the imaginary issues that would come up in my head. By the time of transfer I was actually excited at the thought. 50% of me wanted twins! But then when we transferred only one I had to re-frame my thinking. To soften the disappointment, I looked at all the possible issues and all the good things about having only one. And now back to possibility of having twins is back? I feel like I am at square one! I am afraid!! It's been a mind F*&^! I am sure I will get over it. I have 6 weeks to work on my issues! LOL!

FET Calendar

I meant to actually post my calendar for the IVF cycle but never got around to it... But here is my FET Calendar! I am hoping maybe it will help someone else!

random

Tonights fortune cookie

Not pregnant

Beta was negative.
Been grieving for a few days now so today doesn't suck as bad as I thought it would. Just wanted to update and will post on JM later.
I am lucky to be surrounded by so much love.

♫ Enya - May it be ( lyrics ) ♫

May it be an evening star
Shines down upon you
May it be when darkness falls
Your heart will be true
You walk a lonely road
Oh! How far you are from home

Mornie utulie (Darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornie alantie (Darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now

May it be the shadow's call
Will fly away
May it be your journey on
To light the day
When the night is overcome
You may rise to find the sun

Mornie utulie (Darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornie alantie (Darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now

A promise lives within you now

13

7dp5dt - 12DPO

6dp5dt - 11DPO

Losing hope :/

 

 I think anything on all the tests are just leftovers from trigger. And to be honest this wouldn't be the first or second time I pick up trigger way late. normally it's not on FRER tho :(

I woke up this morning and my boobs were not sore AT ALL. Now they are a little. I also have had little to NO cramping the last couple days. This afternoon evening I have been though so who knows. But up until 2 hours ago I was 99% sure I was out. Now I am about 85% sure I am out.

I am trying not to throw a fit yet so I am just going to leave it at this.

eta: Now I get tons of cramping? wtf??? Just to tease me and keep my hopes up?!?

 

5dp5dt - 10DPO

FMU:

SMU:

I dunno. I shouldn't expect a line at 10dpo but wahhh! LOL!
I ave been doing really well being calm until today. Now I am feeling the 2ww and want it over with!!! ARG! Kinda wish I never started testing but not sure if that would have really made me less anxious. 
Probably has something to do with it but I have the worst dreams last night :/ And they were the type where I would wake and fall back to sleep and they would continue. Most of it was my teeth falling out AGAIN. I had similar earlier when I was doing stims but this time it was different teeth and I was desperately trying to find someone to help me! And one at a time while I was searching the loose ones would fall out. I could totally feel it all BLECH! I think teeth falling out in a dream is about losing control I once read? Sounds about right :/

Oh can I take this interpretation instead!?!

• Dreaming of losing teeth: Symbol of a new start

A positive interpretation for losing teeth in dreams associates tooth loss imagery with giving birth to something new in your life. Jung, one of the most influential psychologists of the 20^th century at the origin of Jungian dream analysis, suggests that, especially for women, dreaming about losing a tooth or teeth relates to birthing.

Symptoms:

• Sore breast but not horrible- some pain goes into my back (I will explain later if it turns into anything)
• Light heartburn
• Increase CM today
• In the middle of the night last night (9dpo) I had AF like cramping). Some pinching and full feeling. Slightly bloated.

The weather drastically changed yesterday- it poured from last weeks 90* sun. I think that sent me into nostalgic feelings and I kept feeling pregnant but I think it had more to do with the season change, feel and smell in the air. 

4dp5dt - 9DPO

So to be honest, today was a kind of a mini-freak out day :/
Seems like I have no symptoms today. Well what I do have is so mild and less than yesterday :/ Started letting my mind wonder about what if this cycle doesn't work? But I am not the type of person who feels like stressing about things like that will help brace me should it happen. So I am pushing it away for now.
I know some people see a line on today's test but I just think maybe it's just how I edited? I dunno. 9dpo is still early but the lack of symptoms thing is bringing me down.
I did get the house clean today so at least there is that! LOL! An honestly i am not not in a bad mood even though this post may come across that way.

Symptoms:

• Breast are less sore than yesterday 
• No cramping *sigh*
• Increased CM started yesterday- I forgot to add that to yesterday's post

3dp5dt - 8DPO

Here is the BFN for this morning... Normally my 8DPOs look like this so I am happy it's not different this cycle. Since I don't use ICs anylonger I don't check for trigger until 8dpo (10ptrigger) with FRER because that is a much too expensive habit even for me :p

I am still exhausted today. Amazing how much one can sleep only to sleep more :/

I got word about the other 5 embryos... None made it. I am relieved but it too long to get the info and I am very much annoyed (yet again) by the IVF coordinator. Last straw, I am writing a complaint. I am going to post the letter once it's done.

Oh wait! DH set up my phone to send my texts to email! Would this annoy you or am I being hormonal:
Me: Hi Day this is ------ and I was wondering if you have been getting my emails? 

Her: sorry have been busy with calendars to go out today. have not opened it

Me: I just wanted to know what happened to the last of our embryos and if any made it. Dr. H said he would call me yesterday but I never heard anything. 

Her: i thought i sent them to you
Her: i'm not suppose to send lab results thru email but i can just copy dr harris note to you

Me: You sent the 5 day freeze. I was told on transfer day that 8 were being frozen but they were still watching the other 5.

Her: ok i'll check
Her: no none made it to day 6. But 8 is enough! 

Me: kk

Her (later): anytime - this is better way to contact me vs email .

For one thing- It took her FOREVER to get me my calendar and now she can;t even open my emails?
And another: I want to note I sent her a reply to the freeze report she sent on Wednesday and never heard back. So I replied again Thursday night asking. So this took place Friday afternoon around 4pm.
And her 'sending via email' has been a point of contention from the get go. Since I am not technically a Kaiser member, I do not have access to the secure system so we are not supposed to use email. BUT she has been using email all along and already sent me the 5 day freeze report. And she was supposed to figure out how to get me access or what to do months ago. I was a Kaiser member a while ago so I still get notifications from them but can't access. So that means ALL MY LABS and ANY MESSAGES sent to me I can't access, but I am lucky enough to know there are there! Uhg! So then I have to turn around and email her and ask what they are! ARG! Kaiser states they are open to non-members for IVF so why this hiccup? And it makes me wonder if she just isn't asking the right people the right questions because that would be right in line with all her past actions.
What do you do when someone is really nice but has made a delicate process so much more difficult? Part of me wants to keep my mouth shut since she seems like a ditzy sweet older lady but the other part thinks a 'ditzy sweet older lady' has NO BUSINESS being an IVF coordinator.


Symptoms:

• Earlier it seemed like my breast hurt less than yesterday but tonight it's worse and 'different' than yesterday. Also my nipples and areolas are hurting and look weird to me.
• No heartburn- Jen took it back I guess :p
• Really really light cramping. Hardly notable.
• Only dizzy once today
• Exhausted
• Maybe I should add bitchy to the list after that rant? But I didn't snap at the children at all so I say I am not :p Oh and FTR I rarely snap at them unless I am crazy hormonal! LOL!

If it weren't for my *'weird nipples and areolas' I would feel kind of down. But I don't know, I could be crazy but my they are starting to feel pregnant to me. I hope I don't have to eat those words!


* You know life is great when you openly discuss your weird nipples and areolas on the internet.

2dp5dt - 7DPO

Not much to report. I think not moving as much is making me exhausted. Not working out makes me tired.
I have been basically doing modified bed-rest. I thought for sure I would glue myself to my bed after IVF. But after the transfer I just felt at peace and not so fragile. It's hard to put into words. And my clinic doesn't require bed rest so I think that influenced me also. But basically for the first 24+ hours I just slept a lot and didn't do much. I wasn't on bed rest per say though.
I did go out this evening to dinner and a bit of shopping. I still am taking it easy though and will do for a couple more days.

Symptoms:

• My breast hurt a bit more and are sore a tiny bit
• Heart burn on an off earlier (Jen jinxed me :p )
• Light cramping
• Full uterine feeling
• about 3 dizzy spells today
• Exhausted

So basically my theory that I would be able to tell the difference between meds and PGY is out the window. I am annoyed that my symptoms now seem stronger today! I am not a strong believer in 7dpo symptoms.
I went to check my HPT stash and was shocked to only find 1 FRER and 2 digitals! Whoops!! I thought I had more in there but I guess not! I am going to use the FRER tomorrow to see if trigger is gone and DH is picking up more tomorrow for me :)


 

1dp5dt - 6DPO

I would always get confused when I would see the weird IVF numbers and was never sure I understood them correctly... So for my non-IVF ladies I added DPO :)

So I was really tired yesterday. I was surprised considering most of it was spent resting. Then again that alone makes me blah. I didn't even want to blog really.
So I brought treats for the nurses and such because they were wonderful during my ER. But I also brought Dr. Harris a gift:

I told him it was to remind him if this Dr thing didn't work he had something to fall back on! LOL! He laughed hard and hugged me. It was pretty funny!

So I wanted cute socks for transfer day but then I forgot we got socks as a wedding gift! So we wore those during the transfer:

Of course Dr. Harris loved them and laughed when he saw DH in them :D Dh was wearing short of course ;) I hope to wear them again for our 6 week u/s and eventually birth of baby <3

When we went into the transfer room I was still struggling with one or two transferred. I asked the Embryologist what she thought. She said, "I say two!" And Dr. Harris' jaw dropped. Then she said, "I like twins!" Dr. harris kept saying, "i can't believe you just said that!" LOL! She then said my chances were what 50%? Dr. Harris pulled out some chart and showed her that if I did get pregnant that chances of twins were 73%!! Oh shit! And again i was okay with that but DH was not. So I agreed to one. Dr. Harris said he wasn't trying to pressure us and wanted to make sure. I didn't feel pressured.
I am not sure if it's because we have so many embabies frozen or because the there isn't SO much pressure on this cycle (since the FET is free), but I feel so much less stressed. It's probably a combo of both. Granted this could all go out the window as I get closer to testing. I really don't want to go another 2 months! But I am thinking positive.
Speaking of the frosties! Got the 5 days fert report on them:
8 - Embryos were frozen on Day 5 (Blastocyst) :
Straw #1: 5AA
Straw #2: 5AA
Straw #3: 5BB
Straw #4: 3AB
Straw #5: 5BA X2
Straw #6: 3BB
Straw #7: 5AA group B 
I have done some research and they seem to be a decent group there. I think they use the same grading as this site.
I will hear tomorrow about the others. Honestly I was surprised that none of the 15 fertilized arested before day 5. I thought for sure there would be some (like 1/3?). I am not sure how I feel about the posibility of more embryos frozen. As it is I am back to the drawing board as to what to do with the extra ones. Ian won't be able to go through all of them I wouldn't think.
But I know how selfish this must sound to those who struggle to have any frozen so I hope this isn't taken the wrong way. I do realize how lucky I am. I worried the whole time we would be that story you read about- The woman who got a ton of eggs but all arrested and she had nothing. I did not count on anything and even the thought of not having embryos scared me. Also the guilt has set in because I know how hard some women work to get just a few. I think it sucks that even in this, life is not fair :( I wish i could 'share the wealth' somehow.
Sorry for the babble. It's just what I have been digesting.

So back to the transfer-
Wow abdominal u/s and full bladder is no fun! LOL! My lining looked great and Dr. H placed the cathader where it needed to be. Meanwhile the embryologist showed us on a video screen with the embaby and my name :) When Dr. H was ready she brought it in. I was surprised that you could see the transfer via u/s. The NP describes it as shootingstars and then there is just a white dot! I could totally see where it was placed and it gave me peace seeing how far up and snugged in it is. Unlike IUI were I feel like its all just everywhere! LOL! I was surprised at how much peace that gave me.

Symptoms:

• I was wrong about my boobs- when squished they hurt LOL! DH laid on one and it hurt! :p
• Little bit more cramping today but not too bad
• Little to no bloating

So when DH sent me all the pictures on his phone from the day, he sent me this one also LOL!:

Okay and one more funny note:
So when the nurse went through all the grades of the embabies I asked, "What is the difference between three and five?" To whoch she replied, "Four?"
I almost peed I laughed so hard!! LMFAO!!!

Pregnant until proven otherwise! PUPO!! Transfer day!

I would like to introduce you to my baby!

So much to say... This might be a two parter.
I spent my morning at acupuncture like planned. Anna was so cute when I gave her flowers saying that she should be giving me flowers ;) And I told her we have been through this together and she said she felt that way too and way emotional today :) So cute.
Then a quick breakfast with Rich and we were off. Neither of us slept well. I was awake more than not last night and think both of us were nervous and grouchy. I was also worried about what was going on with the embryos since I had not heard anything in days.
They were running late and I was stressed until the nurse came in with pictures of our littles and it felt like a weight was lifted!
I wish I could remember the grading :( I didn't track it because I thought they were going to give us a copy but in the end I didn't. Dr. Harris is calling me on Thursday with the news of the ones not frozen today so i am going to get all the stats then and will post it here. When they showed us there were 8 blasts but when they checked on them today there were nine! So we transferred one and I know that one was 5AA! 8 were frozen and they are watching the other 6! Holy shit!!! WTH am I going to do with all these??

So I said I transferred one? Yes just one. Let me explain...
So after we got the report Dr. Harris came in and told us he would really encourage us to transfer one given the embryos and my history. He basically said unless we wanted twins that we should go with one. And then he talked about eSET. I didn't even know I qualified for it. I read 35 and under so I never even thought about a single transfer. But Dr. Harris talked about how high our chances were and while i said I didn't mind twins, DH said he was hoping for only one. Their program pays for FET including medications. I can do two embryos with the FET but then they only pay for one instead of two.
So to be honest, I would have transferred two but DH really wanted one. And at the time I reluctantly agreed because we have to go into this as a team. i would hate to end up with twins and DH resent my choice. I know he would never resent me or babies, but twins are not easy and I want him 100% in this with me. So we agreed that if we have to do FET, I will get a 2 blast transfer.
I left feeling kind of unsure and uneasy. I think i was disappointed. I prepared myself for twins because I knew there was a chance and I would rather brace myself and find some excitement, than freak out if it happened. So in a way i was disappointed I won't be having twins. I am kind of mourning that idea.
But hours later I feel a lot better... DH is more level headed and this was for the best. After my last son, my Dr told me that my uterus was almost translucent and if I deliver again to go earlier to avoid such a large baby and risk of uterine rupture. My boys were 10.13 & 10.15! So my biggest fear with twins was uterine rupture. With a singleton I am less worried about it since delivering earlier will probably at least drop the weight by 1 pound whereas with twins what would I do?
When we were going to go with the other clinic they had packages... And I liked that idea. And the thrifty person in me realizes that basically I got a package "for free".

I will post more about the transfer tomorrow. And probably edit this! LOL!


I wanted to track my symptoms so i could try and see what is meds and what is new.

Symptoms:

• My boobs are finally feeling pretty normal!
• Little cramping from the transfer
• Some bloating
• Less dizzy than a couple days ago thankfully

I don't think there is anything else that could be considered pregnancy....

All puppies are safe now....

At my appointment today I told my acupuncturist (Anna) that I wanted to kick puppies yesterday. I am not sure at first she got my sense of humor until I assured her I am vegetarian and would never kick a puppy :p But I do say it a lot when i hate the world and am crazy. And so yesterday I wanted to kick a puppy for sure.
Luckily today all puppies are safe. I feel a lot better and I think most of it had to do with my acupuncture because I wasn't in the greatest moods when i went in.
So my transfer isn't until 11am and when i told Anna this, she said she thought she had an 8am opening and if not she would make one ;) And then she said I needed to be as stressed as little as possible so she is doing it for free! This is after she did DH for free last week! How awesome is that? I picked her up flowers as a thank you for transfer day since we have been through this together!

So first thing in the morning is acupuncture! We should have a little bit of time so then some breakfast with DH and then head to transfer! Tomorrow I will be PUPO! eeeeeeek!!!!

HOLY HORMONES BATMAN!

This is probably the worst time to write my blog post.... I am hormonal I admit. Things are pissing me off left and right but I try my hardest to brush them off. It's a struggle. But then there are times when I think to myself maybe I need to get this way to stand up for myself? I tend to not let people walk all over me when I am in these moods and just maybe that's what needs to happen even if it's stress or medication induced.
I will spend the next paragraph bitching... Feel free to skip ahead.
Mean people suck. I am a good person. I know this all the way to my core. I try to do the right thing. Not because I want to get into heaven or because it might come back to me. I do it because it is right. And when it comes to other people, I treat them well because I have HUGE empathy. Sometimes my empathy suffocates me. I care way too much. I have a hard time watching the news because I can't the thought of others suffering like that. I think it comes of years of severe abuse and neglect. Some go numb and some swear they will never forget what it felt like and never wish is on others. I definitely remember and I told myself many nights crying to never forget.
Point being, I AM a good person. So why go out of your way to be rude to me if I have done nothing *to* you? Am I annoying? Sure, I can see my personality is not everyone's cup of tea, but to treat someone like they don't matter? Do I really deserve that? And in the middle of the most emotional cycle of my life? I need all the support I can get! I have ignored it for months but I am done pretending. And you know what? I think you need to really look deep down and reassess your life and figure out why you are so judgmental and rude for no good reason. And I also say SHAME ON YOU!

Okay I am done... I m going to try and focus on what's important! MY BABIES!
No idea how they are but got the call this morning that the 3 day transfer was canceled :) And that they will call me tomorrow with the time for the 5 day transfer on Tuesday! I get to meet my babies the day after tomorrow! :D
Physically today was better. I was bloated but hurt a lot less. I had a wedding to go to so that was interesting. I am not a wedding person so going bloated was not so fun. No one could tell but *I* could. I was worried because yesterday was still painful but it wasn't so bad. I came home and took a nap and then got up and mowed the lawn so obviously I was doing fine later ;) I enjoy mowing the lawn so before you think I am 'pushing it', I like it LOL! Weird I know. edging is fun too :p
I need to try and figure out how to relax though... Not doing good with it since I lost my baths! Maybe that's why I am being to hormonal. I don't know. I have acupuncture tomorrow but I am also going to my sister's OB appointment LOL!

I want to thank you for your support. There are quite a few people that have been wonderful to me and I truly utterly appreciate it. I hope I have been as good to you all as you have been to me. XOXO

Endometrin suppositories, Transfer time and birth control

The nurse called today with my 3 day transfer time of 11am. They will call me in the morning if we cancel for a 5 day. She kept saying that she could 'make no promises but there is a strong likelihood the 3 day would be canceled' and we would go in on Tuesday.

Today has been better physically but I am definitely not 100%. I am less sore but still really bloated and get sudden sharp pains at times. I find it funny that growing 20 eggs was not that big of a deal but apparently getting them out is a huge deal! My heating pad and I are good friends. The nurse said it was fine until transfer thankfully. I must say I miss my baths though :(
My boobs/nipples are thankfully not as sore as they have been. Today is the first day I don't feel like kicking puppies when I accidentally brush against something. And showering wasn't painful. I wonder though if it's going to come back because of the Endometrin suppositories. 
So keeping it real I did have constipation up until today like I had read in many blogs. I am sure that hasn't helped the bloating! Colace and prune juice did nothing! I am still suffering but it's not as bad thankfully. I am prone to it anyway and the lack of exercise doesn't help matters. I am however still very hydrated!
I have been getting dizzy when I turn my head quickly. I kept thinking it was nothing but it's happened quite a few times today. I assume its one of the medication but no idea which- progesterone? I hope I get used to it. Speaking of... Bought panty liners tonight. I have never bought them or wore them ever. Is that weird? Anyway, are they made for Barbie? WTH? Those things are SO small! I am not a big girl but those seem so tiny! I decided on "extra coverage" which made it a small pad. Seriously baffling to me! And thong liners? Ummm ok. LOL! I am hoping I can find some cloth liners... I have some pads but I need something smaller for this. Going to have to shop around.
So the Endometrin suppositories is messy. More so than the other progesterone supplement I was on for the IUIs (I am taking it more often obviously so that makes it worse). It's more of a chalky pill than the waxy pill the other supplement was. i didn't need liners with the other but I took it a lot less. But in the shower I found the waxy bothered me. I think i will be fine with the Endometrin suppositories but I am sure it will get super annoying 3x a day for week. Worth it though!

I am still reading a ton of blogs... But lately I am not sure it's helping. Lots of IVF BFN and reading about the woman who selectively reduced her triplets to a singleton hurt my heart. I am hoping I find more uplifting ones again.
it doesn't help I am hormonal now. I wasn't with the stims but I am now. I have been snippy and more emotional but not horribly so. I know when it gets bad when i am convinced everyone is rude, narcissistic and staring at me the wrong way! LOL! We are not there yet :p

Been doing a ton of thinking on after this whole thing is done... I can't do all this again. I have spent around 6 years of my life TTC. And while I know women who have spent that much for one baby, I could not do it. Pretty much 5 of those years I spent TTCMA. I am not sure of my exact numbers but it's something like 17 IUIs, 16 rounds of clomid/femara, 6 rounds of injectable meds (not counting IVF) and so on. That can;t be good for my body and I KNOW it has not been good for my mind. While TTC each time my life feels on hold. Depression take a firm hold and I feel like my mental health is set back each time. My kids suffer and a immerse myself in the process no matter how hard I try not to. And then add miscarriages? Each time I have TTC there has been at least one.
So while I am not 100% I am done having kids, I am sure I am done TTC. If we have frozen babies I would go that route and perhaps consider IVF, but no more TTC naturally or with IUIs.
I was considering a tubal but my ladies told me that my hormones could be affected and that is the last thing I need. So I am talking to DH about getting a vasectomy. He doesn't seem thrilled with the idea but agreed so far ;) He knows I am crazy and something needs to be done. I feel like this would give me some sense of control and that is something I feel like I have been sorely missing. 

And we have Embabies!!

Got the call this afternoon with a fert report of 15 good looking embryos!

I was thankful I only had to wait until 12:30pm when the paper says 2-4pm. She asked me a bunch of questions about my recovery that seemed mandatory, all the while I was dying for her to just tell me about the babies! Then she said, "Let me pull up the other screen and tell you the fertility report. It's good I know that!" And then she told me they ICSI to all 20 of them and 15 look great :)
I am very happy with that number obviously! And I am hopeful this means a five day transfer!

As far as physically I have been better. This really was a blow to my ego I think. I wanted this to be easy on me. I have a high pain tolerance and read about many who had no issues with the ER. I however, am not one of those people! uhg! I am SO bloated, achy and sore. I think just as bad as yesterday. Maybe it was because they got so many eggs? maybe not. Regardless I want it out there that I am one of those people who did not breeze through ER. I didn't have to do anything today thankfully. In the evening I wondered if getting out moving would actually help. Um NO. Made it worse if anything. And of course I can;t find the damn Tylenol! I never take pain medications but would have today if I found the pills. I plan on picking some up with some panty liners for the progesterone I start tomorrow. Oh and while I am whining.. Um the Medrol is the most disgusting pills ever! No matter how quick I get it down it leaves a taste that WON'T leave! SO nasty! Thankfully only three more days of that crap!

I am not really an emotional person. I am not sure if it's because of my childhood and I learned to protect myself? Regardless I just am not. But I have been emotional about this process. Nothing major (and I would say hormonally I have done great on IVF meds) but I do feel this connection to these babies. I do think of them as my babies and I worry about them. Makes me cry when I think of them. I wonder how I will handle things as they drop off :/ While they weren't meant to be, I believe life starts at fertilization.  So I am just trying to figure out how I feel really. It was different when this was an idea. It was different when i didn't have number.

So they will call me tomorrow and let me know a 3 days transfer time. Not sure when they cancel if the embies are doing well. i am going to have to ask. They won't be bothering the embabies tomorrow so I won't know how they are doing again until Sunday.

Egg Retrieval

Egg Retrieval went well! I am super sore but I will get to that.
We arrived early to the Fremont location- I had not been there yet. They took us pretty quickly in and DH decided to wait until the took me to do his specimen. At first I wasn't sure I liked my nurse but in the end she turned out super sweet. She was just freaking out about my nose ring (they made me remove :( ). i met with the anesthesiologist and she was also kind and listened to my concerns about nausea. We then met with the embryologist... she was really nice. Younger than I thought she would be but looked the part and acted it. Hard to describe what i even mean by that. She was a bit awkward and came across very geeky. I have often thought someone in that field would have to love science and while she was cute, she definitely came across as a bookworm and this made my judgmental ass feel more comfortable with her playing with my embryos! LOL!
Dr. Harris came in a couple times- charming as always! And funny. I told him I had a huge pancake breakfast because thats what the nurse told me to say :p In actuality before ER you don't eat or drink after midnight.
They luckily got the IV in pretty easy even with my rolling veins I forgot to mention I have. And then I walked to the room for the ER. They had me lay on a table with my legs in these stirrups that went up my thighs but they way it was handles was awesome. They covered me up so i wasn't laying there spread eagle and the other nurse in there said, "to give me some dignity and make sure I didn't freeze". Dr. Harris came in after I was setup and they pushed the sedation medication and things get blurry.
When I woke I was back on the gurney (must have been fun getting me to help move to it LOL!) and a lot groggy at first. Then i remembered I told the nurses that Dr. Harris should be a car salesmen! LMFAO! OMG! I turned to the nurse and asked if she was in the room with me. She said she was and so I asked her, "Um did I tell Dr. Harris he could be a car salesmen?" She started laughing and said yes and reminded me he said he sold knives in college! LOL! When he came in I tried to explain that I thought he was charming enough to do so and he laughed and said I was hilarious in there! LOL! I am normally not *that* person who makes an ass on sedation but I guess I am now :p All in all EVERYONE was so kind and genuinely sweet. I am going to bring treat to he retrieval for all of them :)

Down to the nity gritty! When I woke I swear someone said 19 eggs but then the nurse said 18 eggs. When Dr. Harris came in he said let go make sure because I actually think 20! He came back and said yes there were 20 eggs!!! YAY!!!!!
The embryologist came in a bit later and said she got the maturity back on them and 17 were good for ICSI! WHEW!!!! That was my big fear, them not being mature enough. I think everyone has these fears doing IVF and some parts freak certain people out more than others. For me I worry about having a lot of eggs but crappy ones. So I feel better! Now I just want to make sure they fertilize! I get the call tomorrow to see how many embabies we have and how they are doing :) Based on that I could have a transfer Saturday, Sunday or a 5 days transfer on Tuesday. I am aiming for Tuesday since I have quite a few eggs and am remaining positive! :)

Pain wise I woke in some decent pain. i think ER is different for everyone. I have a high pain tolerance but I admit this has been more painful than my polyp removal a couple months ago. I had the Bair Paws gown again and LOVED it again! Told the nurse I should take it home and DH suggested plugging me into the blow dryer! LOL! It helped with the pain while I was there. And again NO nausea! Yay!
 The car ride was kinda rough and bumps hurt- also it's an hour+ ride. We stopped a grabbed some food (so I wasn't in horrible pain) but I moved very slow and got out of there fast. went straight to acupuncture and I think it helped some. I go back Monday I think... Waiting on fert report to decide what i am doing but I am going to go before the transfer and maybe day of after. Loved to go before but I don't see that happening because we have to drive early to appointments in the Bay Area because of traffic.
After acupuncture I went straight to bed with my new heating pad. Took me a while to fall asleep because I was achy and hot. But when i woke hours later I felt better. 
Tonight I am bloated and crampy but OK. Pain is like a period and since I don't get period cramps (and when i do I exercise them away) I am kinda whiny about them LOL! It's only me and the boys tonight so there is no one to whine to tho! LOL!

I am supposed to take it easy while my ovaries go down from the swelling. I am drinking a lot (Smart water too for the electrolytes) and upped my protein (eggs for dinner- ironic? LOL! And a protein shake) in order to help prevent OHSS.

I started Medrol tonight and take that 2x/day for five days. I restart Aspirin tomorrow and start estrace 3x/day, I start the Endometrin suppositories 3x/day on Saturday.

Pregnancy blood test is scheduled for the 26th. But ya I AM going to POAS before then!

So there it is...

Ready to make some babies!

Wow so no shots and no pills (other than multivitamin)- CRAZY! It's been months because of the BCP with my alarm always on to remind me! I get one whole day off! LOL! I assume something is starting up tomorrow (haven't looked yet) but yay for today! LOL!
DH did his acupuncture today :) He doesn't seem that relaxed but that's because something is wrong with his computer. Oh well, I tried!

Not much to update. Last night was kind of rough. I started bloating but noticed it seems my upper stomach oddly enough. Then I had insomnia so purposely fell asleep on the couch.
I have been good today but admit I get crampy and bloated on an off. I have been so tired and my nipples hurt still pretty darn bad! eeks!
I packed my sea bands, smart water and Tiscuits for tomorrow :) I hope I don't have nauseous! 

I can't believe I am going to have fertilized little babies tomorrow! EEK!!! Fingers crossed we get a lot of GOOD QUALITY eggs!

Stims DAY ELEVEN

So let's get to the nity gritty and then I will babble ;)
So I have 28 follicles like they had said last week but they separated in size. One group of 12-14 are ready 18-20mm) and the other group is 11-13mm. But my Estrodial levels look good today :) Yesterdays was 1600 but todays was 3000 so we trigger tonight! I took my last stim this morning!
I took Ganirelix tonight at 8pm, I take trigger tonight (and since my E2 wasn't horribly high I don't need to Lupron trigger) of 10,000 HCG at 11pm tonight for the ER at 11am Thursday :)

Physically- Heartburn is GONE! OMG THANK GOD! It had to be the ABX! I normally have a stomach of steel but I did NOT handle those antibiotics at all! it was horrible! 3 days of heartburn, bleh!
My boobs HURT today, holy hell! They are fine as long as I leave them alone and don't nudge them, touch them, get near them...
Bloating and cramps... If I wasn't an acupuncture believer before I AM NOW! So after my acupuncture appointment my bloating went down. But then it didn't come back... So much that I was afraid I O'ed and that the scan would say everything is gone! I was actually nervous because I felt so good! But obviously there is plenty of going on in there! My ovaries look pretty darn big! But even today and tonight I feel pretty normal! I look a bit bloated but don't really feel it and I am not achy and yucky like I have been- it's AWESOME! I am thinking the shoe will drop and I will be feeling it before the ER on Thursday! LOL! But until then I am doing well!

Emotionally I think it's taking a bit of a toll. I took a nap today and felt off after because of a dream... I think everything kinda hit me. I am a control freak and the hardest thing for me is to not to have control and SO many variables! So much could go wrong and I am trying not to focus on that. So far I have been doing great BUT I think it's getting to me. Feeling better though tonight thankfully :)

Tomorrow I need to get work done... I don't want to have to stress about it after the ER or next week after the transfer. I am also going to try and de-stess and mentally prepare for Thursday morning!

Stims DAY TEN

Outside the clinic is this weird statue... It's like a big O! LOL!

Today was interesting... The scan showed 14 large follicles and Dr. H thought for sure we were ready to go. We didn't even go get more meds while we were up there... But then we got the call my blood work shows I am not ready yet :/ Hope that's not an issue but I am trying not to think too much on it. So I go back tomorrow morning and we are pretty certain tomorrow night will be trigger. Then ER will be Thursday! :)
Poor DH is not doing well :/ Too much stress with pharmacies and insurance :( I did acupuncture today and told her about DH. She said, "There should be a 2 for 1 deal IVF week for hubby! I just made that up!" So he is going in on Wednesday and she is doing it for free :) How sweet is that?

There was so much more I wanted to write but I need to do my meds and get to bed to be up early again...

Stims DAY NINE

Hmm woke up bloated and that kind of worried me regarding the rest of the day... But turns out it hasn't been too bad. DON'T get me wrong, I am feeling it! Feeling what? Tons of growing eggs for sure! Aches and then a few sharp pains here and there. Crampy and very heavy feeling almost like being 12 weeks pregnant actually. Slight headache but not bad today at all.
Meds are still going fine.Although I am praying the ABX are what is causing the heartburn that I STILL had today :/ We both take our last pill tonight *happy dance*

Our nurse IVF coordinator called about yesterdays medication issue... I already mentioned it but she is just not all that bright and it drives me CRAZY! I just want to smack her in the head and and get her to understand! I work with the developmentally disabled so I know how to speak to anyone and explain myself, but she STILL does not get the point. Luckily she is off tomorrow so her co-worker will be talking to the pharmacy I hope. I don't want her to screw up them possibly fixing this for us. She just keeps saying, "You can refuse shipment and they have to reimburse you!" Ummm... We still need the other meds and it's not that, it's that was OVERPAID for meds because of their screw-up! Basically it cost US $450 extra and they need to correct THAT issue. And she implies that because we had it delivered everything got screwed up. if they couldn't deliver then DON'T offer it. Arg!
i actually am far less stressed about the issue than I sound. I just get really frustrated when I have to deal with people who can;t or won't understand what I am trying to get across.

ANYWAY, I am actually doing pretty well :) A little more irritable but overall actually good! I decided that I am going to keep myself from being sedentary but not "workout" per say. I cleaned up the backyard today- careful not to twist or whatever. I don't think working out is going to help me at all and stresses my body out too much I think. Walking is boring so I bought a lawn blower and blew out the back yard and cleaned up for a while to get out and be moving. Felt good after but dirty ;) Took a long bath and relaxed after :)

Tomorrow we check to see how the follies are doing! I'm excited!