Do not pass go, do not collect $200

Beta was today but this morning the test was lighter (but still there)... I knew it would not be good news. Took everything in me to drive to the lab and then I had a meeting right after. I turned everything off. It's the only way I could make it through today.
When I got home I had my nephew because my sister's MIL is in the ICU and touch and go (this week has been fucking awesome! My husbands grandfather -he actually raised DH- had a stroke a couple days ago and now her). Time to watch the elderly people in your life apparently.
It was so hard to be with the baby because I wanted it climb into bed and pull the blankets up over my head and just cry for hours. Instead I had a fussy, beautiful, sweet baby... And in the end it was probably much better for me. My sister kept called and apologizing.
Got the call while I had the baby in the bath... Beta was only 9. Baby was crying during my convo with Dr. H and I thought that was ironic. Dr. H actually made me feel better which surprised me. 

I think I am skipping Thanksgiving this year to stay in town for my sister. That and I have never liked this holiday. A holiday surrounded by eating food is like my worst nightmare really. Plus I am vegetarian and national 'kill a turkey day is a turn off'.

Poor DH has been taking such good care of me and finally broke... He came home crying from work. The stress of work and his grandfather and now this? :(
I read on a blog about how IF will magnify cracks in your marriage... I saw and felt first hand how terrible it could be on a marriage (with my ex). But if there is any bright side to this, it's has shown me that DH and I are an awesome couple. IF has only made us closer if anything. And for that i am thankful.

7dp5dt (12dpo)

Pretty much all the optimism has been sucked out of my body. But I can't think about this cycle not working without feeling like the sky is falling and I just don't want to be here. Normally i would be exploring the next step... Focusing on what I will do or should do but I just can't. I can't even entertain a BFN without tears welling. I have never been *this* fucked up... I just don't know how much more I can take.
I hurt... Both physically and emotionally. The PIO shots suck. I no longer get knots since we figured it out, but it still hurts. I have so many sore spot and right now that are just pissing me off. Tonight's PIO injection should make me particularly bitter.

I pray tomorrow I get a great line and look like an asshole for whining...

symptoms:
AF type cramping (which I think is good because I normally don't get them)
Some breast soreness
Mild bloating
emotional- um ya that's probably not a symptom but a symptom of the cruel joke known as TTCMA

6dp5dt (11dpo)

So I am evil and while I am writing a blog for 11dpo, I am not posting it. I am still not sure what's going on and I don't want DH to know yet. If I actually do get a good line tomorrow I will tell him and post this. Well regardless I will post this probably and he will know whats been going on. He never sees light lines so I don't think he would see a thing on these. I only see a faint line on the PM one because I saw it IRL. But a lot of other people have seen lines on the other tests I posted so I could just be blind.
I have no idea how I will tell him. I gave him a daddy book last time for our m/c... This time I have something in mind but not sure it will work. IVF kinda takes all the mystery out of telling hubby.

I am nervous... I do see a light line but it's soooooo light and that scares me :( And if everything is ok, does that mean only one made it? I know a single pregnancy would be best for me but I have gotten attached (really attached) to both. I think having my baby nephew is what caused that. Having him is a physical example of what could be from both *sigh*

I am grateful I got a line but can I get it darker pretty please? :p

Symptoms:
Boobs hurt less- scared me this morning. They still are not as sore as they were yesterday.
Cramps- Definitely menstrual type cramping throughout the day
Fullness and some bloating

5dp5dt (10dpo)

First & second morning urine

So today I didn't want to get out of bed... I was lazy and cold :p So i stayed there for a long while. Don't judge me! :p
I did however notice that my breast are more sore today. They hurt more today than they have in a while. I don't get sore breasts with PMS (hardly have any warning before AF) so this left me hopeful. I thought for sure I would see another line. But First and Second morning urine let me down :(
I am still hopeful and more so today than yesterday. I hope my second line shows up soon!

symptoms:
Boobs definitely more sore today
fullness
mild cramps
had that "crawling out of my skin" feeling again. weird.

4dp5dt (9dpo)

Today i wanted symptoms... I wanted a sign that it worked and two are snuggled in. When that didn't happen? Well it's been kinda a bummer of a day :/
The only up side is I ended my day with my baby nephew <3 I do his baths and he loves his new bath seat.

So I try to visualize the embryos implanting... I have every cycle, but for some reason it's tough for me to picture it. This cycle I have been envisioning myself around the size of them (embabies) tucking them in LOL! That alone is silly enough, but then today I realized I watched too much Magic School Bus. Basically I am Miss Frizzle and I just made my uterus the latest field trip.

Symptoms:
Boobs kind sore- more like chest wall

3dp5dt (8dpo) From 0-60 in 2.5 seconds!

I swear I was a good girl today... Mood was great! Wonderful even! And then tonight happened and BAM! I am going to shank a ho (yes I did just type that. I say it when I am angry because I think it's funny).
I don't know WTH happened. I just got angry and now I am having a hard time shaking it. I just wanna argue with someone or something! eeps!! I hope it means I am pregnant... Honestly it is one of my symptoms. With DS#1 I was kinda aggro. I was afraid of myself at times LOL! I was much more calm with DS#2 but I do tend to get more angry when pregnant. I don't PMS so it's like PMS revenge for 9 months! LOL!

DEEP BREATH.....

Today was a good day. I was feeling pretty zen and optimistic. I still feel optimistic but with a side of flame thrower. Maybe I should see my acupuncturist!?

Speaking of! I forgot about that.... I saw Anna before the transfer and she squeezed me in. She told me whenever I wanted to come in that morning that she would make room and she did. And AGAIN she said it was transfer day so no charge! <3 Sooooo sweet! I guess that's her new policy LOL! She sent me a sweet text later in the day wishing me well and so I replied with a picture of the embabies <3 She said it gave her chills :)

Symptoms:
Anger?
boobs still about the same (maybe a little more or more often)
light cramping again
eta: I want to crawl out of my skin. Hard to explain but it's physical and I really wanna crawl outta my own skin...

2dp5dt (7dpo)

I have made it almost three whole days without losing my mind :p
I am doing good... Actually not anxious as i have been in the past. Not really hormonal and been doing well reminding myself to remain calm even when my poor children (who have had little sleep because of rehearsals running until 11pm) acts like brats! LOL! Poor kiddos! So glad this is the last rehearsal because past midnight bedtimes are no good! I can;t imagine what the public school kids do!

Anyway, I have started symptom spotting and that's annoying to say the least. Every twinge or ouch and I wonder if it means something. And it does... That i am f'ing crazy :p
Too early for symptoms but JIC-

Symptoms:
boobs seem a bit more sore
headache tonight
very mild cramping
smells bothering me today

1dp5dt (6dpo)

Whew! I didn't know someone could sleep that much! I slept so much since the transfer... I think I just needed the break maybe? I dunno but I feel good!

I was tired when I got to the clinic yesterday and fell asleep in the waiting room! I never do that! LOL! But it was a nice nap :D
The transfer (as I said) went well :) I got the embryologist from my retrieval that I liked a lot. She even showed us the straws the babies were frozen in! So cool!
I asked Dr. H about my lining last time since I couldn't remember- it was 8.8 which is good but this time around it's 11.8 so I am hoping that helps make a difference.
They were really happy (as am I) that the thaw was 100% for both. I guess the % has to do with how well they thaw and both troopers did perfect! And both are still perfect 5AA (actually i guess 6AA is the best but they rarely see that so they say 5AA is best).
Everything sounds so good but my last one was a 5AA and he didn't stick :/ So i can;t be too comfortable. But I am so optimistic! And I honestly am just going to continue on this road because worrying won't do me any good at this point or make it hurt less if this doesn't work. 

DH wore his groom socks and didn't tell me until we got there <3 Super sweet! Love that man! And since we had to use the procedure room (I was happy about that because I wanted a sterile environment and they normally don't do it that way) DH got to wear sexy scrubs:

Symptom:
Nothing new yet!

I would like to introduce you to.... (FET DAY)

The twins ;)

Both 5AA, 5 day blastocysts

Everything went beautifully and I feel much better about this transfer than the last transfer :)

Will post more later :)

And tomorrow is the day!

Well since it's past midnight technically it's today!
It went by incredibly fast but also painfully slow. If you have btdt you get what I am saying I think.

So I was supposed to get the call yesterday about the time for the FET but of course I never got the call. I *knew* I woudln't get that call. Somehow that always seems to happen to me. Luckily I have learned to roll with it but it's annoying!!! I even text the IVF coordinator asking when I woudl get the call.

ME: Hi day. Do you about what time the clinic calls with a time for the transfer?
Thank you
HER:late afternoon because they have to schedule retrievals first
ME: OK thank u!
HER:

:)) good luck !!!

ME: (7:30pm!) Should I be concerned I still have not been called?
HER: just send dr h a message that u will show up at 7:30 at fre on monday.
ME:I'm confused... I should send a message? Or you sent a message and that's my procedure time?
I have no way of messaging anyone but you since I am not on kp.org
HER:ok - are you talking about fet transfer or an ultrasound
HER: i don 't have charts with me since i'm off.
HER:i had two kimberly calling today.
HER:is this m(*my last name*l??
HER:disregard about 7;30 - thats for the other kimberly. i don't have caller id and thought you were the HER:one asking about ulyrasound appointment. When is you
HER:r yransfer scheduled for?
HER:whatever day its on, that day in late pm they will call you and tell you what time you should show up for your transfer.
HER:sorry - i meant the day beforevrge transfer.
HER:before the trAnsfer. I'm in car trying to text sorry abouf errorx
HER:just called Dr Harris - he will call you tomorrow - he'll havw acess to computer.
ME: Thank you

YES those were all separate texts! She tried calling but I couldn't answer.
Ummm WTF is wrong with her???
We have text many times in the past. I posted some here where she was being like this. But she doesn't know which Kimberly I am?
She is off Sundays and Mondays... But now she is off Saturdays too? And I have been told by her that I am to call HER if something comes up.
I am sorry but she is stupid. There I said it. And I mean it as horrible as it sounds. But OMG WTF is wrong with her and WTF are they thinking having her do such an important job???
This isn't the first or even sceond time I have felt like I wanted to strangle her... I am going to write a complaint later.

Oh and Dr. Harris didn;t call me today but the clinic did. Whatever.
Thing is I LOVE Dr. Harris but at this point? My friend is asking about a reccomendation and I am going to tell her not to use him (but stay with Kaiser as the rates are best) if Day is involved. I would not want to set anyone up to deal with her. It's ridiculas.

OKAY vent over! :)
I am actually in a good mood and not stressing no matter how much of a bitch I sound like right now ;)

I have an acupuncture appointment and then we head to the clinic! I will update after I am PUPO with the twins! Oy... twins! Eek! But as DH said, "Rather have 2 than none!"

Almost FET time!

I have been horrible about updating... Not sure why but I want to read something deep into it. But i will spare you my self reflection and just say I wasn't feeling it! LOL!

So I have been on my drugs and it's been interesting.
Let me backup... I try to write this blog for 3 reasons.
1) It journal this journey for myself and my family
2) To process all this stuff that goes hand in hand with TTC and especially IVF
3) To maybe help someone now, or years from now since I plan on leaving this journal up. While 1 & 2 are my priorites, I try and write about things I wanted to know when I was first starting this journey. So at times I will write about things only for that reason.

This brings me back to meds!
You can check out my calendar to see when I took each medication.
Did BCP again. and again I hated them. Now that I have done a bunch of medications between my injection cycle with DS2, the IVF and now FET, I can say that I hate BCP the most. How weird is that?? I have never been on BCP so had no idea what to expect. But doing it for 2 months before the fresh cycle and now a month before this one? I know they are not for me. Maybe it's just this type? I was so on edge and hormonal. It felt like I was PMSing all the time. And my face, oh my poor face! I broke out so badly! I always have some acne but my face looked horrible. I probably had 50 pimples all over my face and it was hurting :/ Got off BCP and within 2 weeks I was back to my normal 5-10 pmiples and much less edgey. So weird.
Lurpon- Oh how I feared Lupron! But ironically it didn;t seem to effect me. It was an easy stick and didn't burn much going in. Left some bruising but not bad. I did those myself (I do all my own SQ).
Medrol- (is a steroid hormone commonly used in IVF cycles. While the actual benefit of Medrol has not been established, it may help prevent the body from rejecting the transferred embryos. *) I took this again, and again it is the nastiess medication I have ever taken! It leave a horrible after taste that is hard to get rid of! YUCK!!! I stop those tonight thankfully :)
Estradiol- I am taking more this cycle than I did last time for the fresh cycle. At first my body kind of freaked out a bit- felt hormonal and pumped with drugs. Luckily that didn;t last and I guess my body got used to it?
Prometrium- I took this with all my IUI cycles but not this much. I am taking it 3x a day and I admit that middle dose is a PITA for me to remember. I set an alarm but I often will snooze it til I get a chance to go to the restroom (often I am not home) and then I forget. I think after the transfer I will remember it easier. It has been messy and taking 3 a day has been really messy. Worth it in the end ;)
Progesterone- I was super nervous about this one because it's IM and DH would be injecting me. I trust DH (he preps my SQ injections) but I am a control freak. The first night was funny. Poor DH was SO nervous. It was kinda cute actually :D LOL! He injected me and then realized he forgot to get the air out so he had to re-poke me :p LOL!
So my biggest fear with PIO was the stories about knots and pain. The first night went well and I was hoping maybe I could escape that fate... But nope. I have knots and my ass hurts. I have tried some of the tricks but nothing is working yet. I heat the oil up before hand and use a heating pad. I rub the injection spot but maybe not for long enough? It was suggested I rub longer so I tried that last night. So far it sees to be working. We will see!
The PIO are a pain in the ass- pun intended! BUT will be worth it for our baby <3

So much more I wanted to write- like about my appointment this week- but I will have to later tonight!

Happy Halloween (or not I guess)

I shouldn't be surprised but IF depression snuck up on me today... Seeing my adorable nephew dressed adorably triggered some sadness in me. I started wondering how different things would be if IF never happened. I also realized I was avoiding it more this year than ever (compared to the last few). The boys went with their Dad as usual, and I did yard work. Bad choice as I had too much time to think.
While I was melancholy, I also started thinking about the women who have no children and how this is yet another holiday that reminds them of what you don't have. Put things in perspective for me. I spent some time with DH so that was really nice and ended the day less depressed thankfully.

I have been avoiding IVF in general lately. I am scared and avoiding it is my way of coping. I am having a hard time getting excited about the FET. I am so afraid of it not working like last cycle. I just don't know how to shake it. I am hoping I will again have a breakthrough and start to get excited. Less than 3 weeks to go so i hope it happens soon. 

Should this be the WTF post?

I have read that most people have WTF went wrong appointments after a failed IVF. So I guess this would be a WTF post, but not really. I am actually at peace with it. I don;t really wonder like I thought I would. I think mostly because I wasn't feeling as positive after the ER. I hate to sound wimpy but it kicked my ass. I never thought I would be sore for so long and I felt like it screwed my mojo up majorly. And then the being thrown for a loop with transferring one didn't help me mentally. I felt just off. I don't think in anyway I jinxed the cycle ;) In fact after watching the transfer and such, I felt like it would stick if it was meant to stick. And thought it would work! But as days went by NOTHING was happening! I wasn't feeling symptoms of pregnancy. I have been pregnant many times and even my super early m/c I could tell. I just wasn't feeling anything! So I mourned for days before even 14dpo. I am happy I tested early because getting slammed all on one days would have crushed me. Not that I wasn't crushed, but it was over a period of a few days. I also didn't want our IVF coordinator to be the one to tell me.
So I never did have my WTF appointment. I think because I weaseled my way into the next FET cycle. They wanted me to do the Dec cycle and I thought that's what they would say. I was dead set against doing it during Dec and finding out during Christmas? NO THANKS. So after a bit they agreed thankfully!
I did however speak with my Dr. and he agreed we will be transferring 2 frosties :)
So this we will be transferring the two 5AA from group 1!  I can;t believe I have 2 beautiful ones to transfer! Honestly this is the first thing to go as planned! Everything I have hoped for never seems to happen but my frosties did! And I am so grateful!
Straw #1: 5AA
Straw #2: 5AA
Straw #3: 5BB
Straw #4: 3AB
Straw #5: 5BA X2
Straw #6: 3BB
Straw #7: 5AA group B 

I think I have been avoiding thing post because I am so afraid... I can;t even think about if this didn't work. And now my bubble has been burst by having a failed IVF cycle ya know? So everything can appear perfect and beautiful and still get a BFN :/ I just can't wrap my brain around it NOT working so I have avoided feeling much to be honest. Just been on autopilot.

Beyond that, when we started looking into IVF, I was afraid of twins. Scared the crap out of me and I have never been the one to want them. I knew I had to work past this if we would be doing IVF. Slowly but surly I started googling and warming myself up tot he idea. Day dreaming all the positives and solving all the imaginary issues that would come up in my head. By the time of transfer I was actually excited at the thought. 50% of me wanted twins! But then when we transferred only one I had to re-frame my thinking. To soften the disappointment, I looked at all the possible issues and all the good things about having only one. And now back to possibility of having twins is back? I feel like I am at square one! I am afraid!! It's been a mind F*&^! I am sure I will get over it. I have 6 weeks to work on my issues! LOL!

FET Calendar

I meant to actually post my calendar for the IVF cycle but never got around to it... But here is my FET Calendar! I am hoping maybe it will help someone else!