Stims DAY ELEVEN

So let's get to the nity gritty and then I will babble ;)
So I have 28 follicles like they had said last week but they separated in size. One group of 12-14 are ready 18-20mm) and the other group is 11-13mm. But my Estrodial levels look good today :) Yesterdays was 1600 but todays was 3000 so we trigger tonight! I took my last stim this morning!
I took Ganirelix tonight at 8pm, I take trigger tonight (and since my E2 wasn't horribly high I don't need to Lupron trigger) of 10,000 HCG at 11pm tonight for the ER at 11am Thursday :)

Physically- Heartburn is GONE! OMG THANK GOD! It had to be the ABX! I normally have a stomach of steel but I did NOT handle those antibiotics at all! it was horrible! 3 days of heartburn, bleh!
My boobs HURT today, holy hell! They are fine as long as I leave them alone and don't nudge them, touch them, get near them...
Bloating and cramps... If I wasn't an acupuncture believer before I AM NOW! So after my acupuncture appointment my bloating went down. But then it didn't come back... So much that I was afraid I O'ed and that the scan would say everything is gone! I was actually nervous because I felt so good! But obviously there is plenty of going on in there! My ovaries look pretty darn big! But even today and tonight I feel pretty normal! I look a bit bloated but don't really feel it and I am not achy and yucky like I have been- it's AWESOME! I am thinking the shoe will drop and I will be feeling it before the ER on Thursday! LOL! But until then I am doing well!

Emotionally I think it's taking a bit of a toll. I took a nap today and felt off after because of a dream... I think everything kinda hit me. I am a control freak and the hardest thing for me is to not to have control and SO many variables! So much could go wrong and I am trying not to focus on that. So far I have been doing great BUT I think it's getting to me. Feeling better though tonight thankfully :)

Tomorrow I need to get work done... I don't want to have to stress about it after the ER or next week after the transfer. I am also going to try and de-stess and mentally prepare for Thursday morning!

A breakthrough! --- Baseline u/s

 (Stopped at Trader Joes on the way home and bought these and thought it was funny because we have to use my eggs and do the transfer by 9/14 :)

So much happened but most of was emotionally- finally a breakthrough!

I have been working really hard on my stress an anxiety, doing okay but still not where I want to be.
Went to the appointment today nervous. If there is one thing an infertile can count on, it's that you can't count on your body (to do what you need). I had visions of being told my cysts were worse or my ovaries were having a party trying to ovulate. I didn't trust in the birth control mainly since I feel so hormonal and feel ovary pain and cramps.
Well I guess I don't fully hate BCP because they are doing what they are supposed to! *happy dance* No cysts and everything looks great! He did my Antral follicle count and it was 24 this time! eek! Which makes me feel that much more comfortable with the antagonist protocol!
Speaking of... So when Dr. H originally called and told me my protocol, I had no idea what antagonist protocol was or why he would use it. After researching, I found that it seemed like the best bet for me with my high response to oral stim drugs and my PCOS, but is that why Dr. H ordered it? I thought so, but I remembered when I got that one bad FSH I asked about estrogen priming protocol to combat that. However later I got my FSH redone and it was normal so that was supposed to be thrown out the window. I should have just asked the WHY weeks ago but I kept waiting and had NO IDEA how much it was eating at me until today. My mind has been racing wondering if he was going off old information... Wondering if he didn't remember my history or I was just a number. I worried maybe he didn't know what he was doing and maybe this whole thing was a bad idea. <--- Yes I did go there. I have anxiety disorder and it feeds off itself. I had no idea though how much this one question was bothering me though! Or obviously I would have asked weeks ago! LOL!
So anyway, I asked him why he chose the protocol and he proceeded to explain about how he expects me to have a high response and is looking to avoid OHSS :) And then I asked why we were using an HCG trigger and he said that we actually don't know yet what we will be using. If my ovaries go crazy nuts and I have 8 millions follicles and a high chance of OHSS, we will trigger with Lupron.
Have I mentioned I love this man? Seriously I really like him and he has a way about him. He is very charismatic but also knowledgeable. I need someone I feel knows more than me to lead me... And honestly I normally know more than doctors or just as much and that's not very reassuring. I feel like Dr. H knows his stuff and loves his job. I feel like he listens and I feel like I should trust him. I feel like he could teach me and will let me in on as little or as much information as I want or need.
His assistant on the other hand... She is SO SO nice. But I don't have confidence in her knowledge. Dh put it best- She seems to know her job, but you ask beyond that and she seems to answer things oddly and has a hard time understanding. She reminds me of my mother which is not a good thing as I care for my mother. It's frustrating but again, she is SO sweet. And honestly I can always call Dr. H if I need to. It was my bad for not doing sooner!
So after the appointment I found that excitement I lost a while ago! I am getting excited and not so terrified any longer! YAY!!! I am just riding this wave and encouraging it! SO HAPPY to be back here where I was when I made the final choice to do this!

Baby Shower

Been a busy time and this weekend was no exception. I threw my sister her baby shower. I swore many months ago I would be pregnant by now. Hoping somehow it would hurt less knowing this could have been my shower for the baby lost last winter. But not pregnant.
It was stressful but luckily not emotional. I honestly didn't have time for emotions because I was so stressed out. It was a big production and I didn't have the help I thouught I would. Pissed me off considering how amny showrs my sister has thrown for other people.

Anyway, on the IVF front- I am indeed going to be doing an Antagonist Protocol so no Lupron. I am excited about that part as it means less injections but nervous since most people use Lupron. The therory is that it should reduce my chances of OHSS since I am an over-responder and PCOS. And honestly my gut thinks it's right for me- I think I would be the type to get tons of eggs but of poor quality and this should help with that. I probably will not have as many eggs but here's hoping they are good ones!
I STILL haven;t gotten my calendar! They won't give it to me until all the blood tests are in... Well apparently DH's Dr. didn't order 2 *rolleyes* so now I have to wait for those to be done! ARG! Oh well, I should have it by the time I actually need it. And at the latest would be the injections class NEXT WEEK!!! ahhh!

I can't believe I start stims in less than 3 weeks!

I have been having tons of crazy doubts and anxiety lately. I think because I turn everything off when I am trying to get time to pass and not dwell. Well it's left me feeling unfocused and as if my body won't do what it's told. Honestly I think it's the BCPs I have been on for the last couple months. I feel so OFF. I don't know how people live on this stuff. I feel very hormonal. And I wonder if it's get better? But I am NOT going to find out LOL!

One month to go....

I start stimulation meds a month from today :)
Exciting!

Dr. H called and told me my cysts are not a problem after looking at my last labs :) Yay!

So I got my protocol sort of (spoke with the Dr H but nothing in writing yet). He said I will be doing the antagonist protocol and then 200 follistim 150 menopur. I am not really getting why the antagonist protocol part though. Why would he do this? I know when i had the bad labs I asked about doing Estrogen priming but since then my labs seem ok now:
FSH 7.4
Prolactin 4.3
TSH 1.56
AMH: 2.2
AFC: 19

I respond really well to clomid (2-7 mature follicles) and ok to femara (2-4 mature follicles). And I read antagonist protocol is for poor responders.

I am going to email him after I research a bunch more. I am one who trusts my Dr. as long as he can give me answers. They seem (him & my coordinator Day) very open to me asking questions and understanding everything going on so I am not afraid to ask... I just wanna feel more confident in *what* I am asking before I do ;)
I would be happy to skip Lupron but I am not sure that's the best for my #s.