Ultrasound! ONE healthy bean!

I would like to introduce you to my belly bean!
Looks like some sort of creepy insect but was much cuter when I saw the flickering of the heartbeat!

Wow the last 24 hours were intense. I felt like I was going out of my mind... I would start to worry and then my thoughts would carry from there to bad places. I went to bed last night at 2am and actually fell asleep right away. But woke up a 1/2 hour later and couldn't get back to sleep. I think I laid in bed for a couple hours and then gave up and came out to the living room. Went back to bed at 8am!
Sufficed to say i was a grumpy pants when I got up and was super stressed out. DH and I actually got into it a little because he was having  mini freak out and I was just super bitch back to him, "Look NOT today. Suck it and we can talk about it later!" Ya not my finest hour!

So onto the good stuff ;) My sister came too and video taped. Someday I shall upload my videos :/ I think she was just s excited as we were! The baby popped up right away and right away we all saw the heartbeat without being told where it was. So baby seems pretty snug and u/s machine continue to impress me! I go back April 14th I think...

I think having a hard morning made it easier to see only one this afternoon. I was so freaked out I would see nothing that seeing that one little heat beat was such a blessing! IS such a blessing! I wrapped my mind around having twins and so I figure it will take a bit but I will just start reminding myself of the positive sides of just one :) I am sad to hear I lost another embryo tho :( thats a total of 4 that didn't make it *sigh* But I have this one and I am going to try to allow all this to sink in and enjoy it finally!

My next post will be a new pregnancy blog. I want this one as a TTC/IVF resource so I think it's time to move along. When I started this I never imagined I would have over 100 posts or that it would turn into an IVF and then FET blog. But life doesn't go as planned and my TTCMA ladies know this more than anyone.
I am going to struggle with survivors guilt and pray and wish that so many beautiful ladies I have met along the way get their BFP soon. This journey SUCKS and is not fair! And I want this for them so badly!
Anyway... I will post a link when the new blog is up.
Thank you for putting up with my craziness! I am sending as much baby dust as I can muster your way ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
xoxo
Lucy

6 weeks pregnant!

Well that in an of itself is a milestone for me! Although I admit it hasn't sunk in no matter how badly I hoped it had :/ I feel in limbo and I am trying so hard not to lose it worrying. I don't want to get attached yet i already am!

I do feel pregnant though so that has been reassuring. Sometimes too reassuring LOL! I an;t even get out of bed I get so dizzy! I have never been this dizzy... I think I wrote that last week.
I took belly pictures but I will post them when I start a pregnancy blog after the ultrasound on MONDAY. Is it monday yet? Everyday feels like a week- still!!

5 weeks pregnant!

Once I am sure everything is OK I plan on moving this blog so it stays as an informational source for IVF and not just another pregnancy blog.

Thing are going by so o o o o o slow w w w w w! blah! I am grateful I am even in this position ut can it be the 24th already?
I feel pregnant but there is still a lot of paranoia. I literally checked my boobs last night because they seemed less swollen! (They are good just FYI lol) but seriously I feel like I am in limbo land! I would have thought with all the waiting for the IVF and FETs I would be good at this by now! But no... everyday feels like a week!

I am feeling pretty good although my sleep sucks. When I can sleep it feels like I'm not or I have screwed up nightmares like last night (DH cheated on me and when I confronted him he turned into my ex. ew). So I am tired all the time. I get these really bad dizzy spells and cramping is still on an off but not as much as it was. I am now bloating nightly. And pregnancy brain is in full force. I am afraid for my safety :p And for this blog!
Everyone asks if I am feeling sick. There are times where food is just gross but I don't have m/s. I read something about low magnesium is connected with m/s in pgy. I am pretty sure my mag is good and my Bs are in great shape so who knows. We will see tho as from what I have read m/s tends to nail you later on past week 6 (hit me early and hard with DS#1 but DS2 wasn't bad).
I dunno... can;t it just be the 24th already??!?!!??

2nd beta and ultrasound date!

So I got my betas back... 870! whew!!!!!!
We went from
14dpo: 181
17dpo: 870
Doubling every 31 hours :D
I literally said to the nurse, "Oh shit!" before I could even stop and think! :p I thought 500-600!

I actually went in earlier for the beta because I wanted those numbers... Well I didn't get a call and by 1:30pm I started panicking knowing that earlier calls means better results. I started thinking something might be wrong. I was seriously stressing out worried so I think it made the number THAT much better!

I got a message back from my OBGYN and she is getting in on the 24th <3 perfect timing! 6w3d!

So now to address the elephant in the room...

So everywhere I look says my levels are high.. Even higher than most average twin HCG. Does this mean twins? Not necessarily! I have read doubling time also *might* indicate and that also is QUICK at 31 hours. But I have also read many stories where it wasn't twins... And honestly I am trying so hard not to get my hopes up. I don't want to look forward to twins and then feel like I had another huge loss if we see only one heartbeat.
I do however think it's probably good for DH LOL! That way he can prepare himself because I don't think he would be as thrilled as I would :D
Truthfully I was SO not one to want twins. I didn't want them when this started but the closer we got to IVF the more I opened my mind to the idea. And after really focusing on the good, I started to WANT twins. I know it's more stress on your body and riskier. I want both healthy babies and mama... I also know it will probably be hell the first year. But we have a strong support system and more help than I could ever want. Also since my kids are widely paced I know how hard it s when kidlet doesn't have a playmate their age. My youngest will be almost TEN when babies are born! So it's not as if they will be playmates! My sister constantly asks to have my kids over because her son is lonely being 7 years older than him only sibling. So to have two, as they get older, it would be nice to hopefully avoid the loneliness.
Also I was 14 months older than my sister and while it's not twins, it was easier for my mom and I was NEVER lonely! LOL! Yes, at times we wanted to kill each other, but we also shared most everything and always had someone to be with!

I have no idea why this went into the direction it did LOL!
Basically I am nervous it won;t be twins because truly I AM BLESSED ONE OR TWO.

More about my BetaHcg

On my way to the blood test I got a call from the assistant I do not like asking if I was getting it done today. Um yeah. I think after I sent the letter about her she thinks being overly attentive will fix somthig. But instead it just bothers me because I asked she not call me and deal with my husband so she is only making things worse.
So yesterday I got THE call about 2 hours after the test and it was Dr. Harris! I was so  happy it was him calling!
Dr. H: You had me questioning my abilities and choice in careers but I am happy to say you are pregnant!
LOL!! He was pretty funny... Always is!                                                                                                    
We talked about how Sunday would have been the best day for repeat but Monday would be fine.
1/2 hour I got a call from the assistant so was sad because Dr. H 'beat her to it' because she wanted to call me *rolleyes* She then told me to get another beta on Tuesday. I corrected her and said Monday.
She called back AGAIN and said oh no it's Tuesday because we can't do 48 hours later. I then told her Dr. H and I talked about it and corrected her AGAIN. "Oh okay!"
She also told me that my ultrasound isn't covered since I am not Kaiser. WTF?! DH called financial and they said the same thing.  I can't find my paperwork of course! I swear it included it. So I have no idea :( But seriously being released to OB before the u/s sounds screwed up to me! And I pictured Dr. H showing us the heartbeat/s! *sigh* But thank god I love my OB but I just hope she can squeeze me in!!

So something Ive been thinking about... I really wonder what my HCG was on 12dpo... I mean it couldn't have been that low right? But those are sad lines! The digital ones were great and reassured me but the lines weren't great. Things that make you go hmmmmm....

4 weeks PREGNANT! With Beta results!

OMG I AM actually pregnant! 

I was hoping my beta would be at least 100 but knew it could still be okay if it was lower... It was 181!!! WOOOOO!!!!  I am thrilled with that number! I go back Monday since the clinic is closed on Sunday for the next one!
I want to type more but I am so exhausted!

8dp5dt (13dpo)

Love me some dr. horrible

I almost forgot to write today... Not much going on other than nail biting. I am symptom checking every 10 minutes so make sure I still feel pregnant (I do most checks lol). I didn't test today and I am not sure that was any better LOL! I think not testing made me just as nuts. Oh well.
There is a part of me soooo nervous and afraid. I keep thinking back on my past and all the losses. I stress that levels will be low or will drop... Then there is the other part of me- I feel like it will be OK. I didn't feel that way with any of my m/c deep down inside. With each one i felt it was off or wrong even if I didn't want to admit it to myself. I don't feel that way this time.
So betas are tomorrow! EEK!!!!

symptoms:
slightly sore full breasts
mild cramping and fullness
vivid dreams
hormonal
forgetful

7dp5dt (12dpo)

I am officially done testing now! It just stresses me out and my beta is on Friday so I think it's time. I had been saving the digitals for a long while til I was sure they would show :) Very excited to see those!!

Symptoms are growing too :)
I have been having vivid nightmare the last two nights... OMG seriously I am crazy. Between rabid animals and serial killers I have woken up almost screaming a few times now. I get night terrors when I m pregnant and I think this is the start. Should be very entertaining for DH when he wakes to me screaming over nothing LOL!
Also I am hormonal today.... And that's also a symptom for me with DS#1. I got angry at the shower-head today and my toothbrush LOL!

Symptoms:
cramps
bit bloated
slightly sore swollen breast
hormonal
nightmares/vivid dreams

6dp5dt 11dpo

 I am a spoiled brat always hoping for more :p I want my tests darker already! I am comparing them to others wishing they were as dark as theirs. Then I slap myself and remember I have never gotten a BFP at 10dpo that I could see! So I need to STFU and trust the process. 

Also I want more symptoms... Although today my wish came true a bit and I have some good cramps (IMPLANT BABIES!!) and my breast are slightly swollen and sore. I just want stronger symptoms! See there she is again... spoiled brat :p

Symptoms:

cramps on an off

mild swollen slightly sore breasts

5dp5dt 10dpo BFP?!?!??!

Yesterday was officallly freak out day... Not anything to do with tests but more lack of symptoms. Today would have been the same but the tests Gods are in my favor apparently!
Did the FMU and didn't think I saw anything. Took a SMU and within 5 min saw a super light line (the second pic). I decided since I have cheapies for once, I may as well curb the urge and use those tonight... And Uh I think we have something brewing!!

Problem is my symptoms are nothing much at all. Every pgy i have had, my breast were sore even before I even saw a line. Tonight they are full feeling and a bit itchy but not much. I have had some cramping but minimal. Freaks me out! I wanna feel like crap :p
I just keep reminding myself that every pregnancy is different! But it looks like this IS a pregnancy!
O
M
G!

4dp5dt (9dpo)

Bummer but the anxiety started today and panic set in :/ I am trying my best to ignore it and try to remain calm and positive. I think I was hoping I would have sore boobs today but that didn't really happen so I started to panic. Blah i hate anxiety!
I stocked up on HPTs today since my stash was pretty thin... Here's hoping I never have to buy another HPT EVER!!!

Symptoms:
cramping last night & bloating
nothing really today :/

3dp5dt (8dpo)

I wish I had something more entertaining but I simply don't. Not much happening and my mood has been great.
I am however glad I don't have to wait TWO weeks and that with IVF you cheat a little ;)

Symptoms:
Slight sore breasts
tired
mild cramps

2dp5dt (7dpo)

Today was another good day :) I am pretty relaxed so far and not pulling my hair out with anxiety! LOL!
I have however been symptom spotting but since I have more hormones in me than the fake foster farms chickens, I am not counting them as real LOL!

Symptoms of the Foster Farm Fake Chicken:
Slight cramping today
Breast are more sore today
Headache for a couple hours

1dp5dt (6dpo)

Feeling good but nothing to really report :)
Hoping the littles stick soon!! <3

I still feel really positive so that's good :D

ummm... so ya LOL!

PUPO!!

I'm back after a long day!! And still feeling +!  :)
So our transfer wasn't until 3:30pm and that was kind of different but nice not to drive at the crack of dawn and fitting in an acupuncture appointment.
I was runnning late this morning because I laid in bed with the boys for a few minutes, that and I am lazy :p
Headed to accupuncture and it was nice :) Annha is simply awesome. Like usual on transfer day, she didn't charge me and fit me in when I wanted (had to reschedule last night when I finally got my transfer time). Then she told me she would be in the office until 5pm and to call and see if I could make it back for another treatment.
We headed up to Fremont but made a pit stop to pick up my socks that were in the dryer LOL! I bought new socks because the ones from the first transfer have bad mojo IMO ;)

 They are sparkly! I love sparkly! LOL! Dh wasn't thrilled but he obliged anyway :D And now there are sparkles in his shoes so he can think of me!

We stopped on the to the clinic for a bite to eat at one of my favortie vagan places and then DH got lost getting to the clinic :p But we had plenty of time so it wasn;t an issue! Still had time to pick up brownies and veggie tray at Whole Foods for Dr. H.

When i got in they checked my bladder and shocker- too full. Always is! I didn't even try to drink and the darn thing is always full! So I did the whole, "Pee for 15 seconds" aka toture akin to water boarding.

They were running late as we were the last transfer of the day. they did EIGHT retervals and 4 transfers! Poor Dr. H! But he was still as awesome as usual and funny! While waiting I was listening to the music Annha uses and I use to sleep... I kept it on during the transfer because no one seemed to mind and I thought that was neat <3

The littles thawed pretty well. The lower has damage but not much and is at 95% while the upper is at 100%. The nurse also said my linign was the prettiest she has seen in a long time! I told her, "thank you, I made it myself! Oh wat that's a lie... I had the help of drugs." We pretty much cracked jokes the entore time whoch I loved... At one point we were there late so the doors all locked and Dr. H loked himself out of the room. So of course I asked if I should trust him if he can't figure out the door. He replied he didn't actually work yhere and I came back with, "I would hope you would pick a nicer vagina if this a scam!" He blushed and laughed. That's pretty much how it went the entire time with the nurse chiming in giving him greif too.
I am going to try and upload the video of the transfer later... and the chat after. Dr. H said he put us last so he could hang out and chat LOL! I was convincing him that being born in 1979 does not make him a product of the 80s and that sadly the 90s belong to us. It was a funny convo and I think DH got a lot of it on camera. Also he did his traditional baby dance but felt it needed more this time around... Might have that on video- pretty funny! He is such a sweet guy! 

We didn't get out of there until almost 5pm! But it was so pretty as we got some MUCH needed rain today!

When I got out I had a text from Annha asking how it went... Long story short she waited at her office til I got there at 6:20pm! She was off at 5pm!! Is she not AMAZING?!?!? I am SO lucky to have found her! AND she didn't chanrge me again! I convinced her to just put the points in and let me go home so she could go home (she has to drive 40minutes!) even thought she set everything up for me to stay! SO SWEET! She snapped a piture because we both thought it was pretty funny me walking out like this:

I went home and relaxed a bit and then DH pulled the points out. I feel lucky and blessed for so many things and people right now! Did I mention DH is awesome in here? Because he is <3

3 days to go...

Eeeks!!!! 3 days to go! Well actually more like 2 since it's late!
I am SO excited! I have such a better feeling this time around than I have the last two! I haven't been this optimistic in forever it seems! Last time I was 20% excited and 80% worried.. This time it's opposite! I hope that means I just know. I keep thinking it will work. Not only that but twins, October twins :) :) DH is not thrilled by that thought but he will learn to love the idea should it happen :D

Started the PIO and yup, still hate it! LOL! Keep thinking that if I have a positive attitude it will go smoothly... So i went in with an open mind. The first injection was ok. but it was also a 1/2 dose. I was hopeful tho. And then I got the next injection and slowly but surely as each dose came my hopeful attitude went out the window! Now I am trying to avoiding injecting into welts! Bleh! LOL! It is way more comical writing it out then going through it :p And someday I will look back on it and know it was just another thing I was willing to do to prove I want them. AND I will also remember how I hated those needles :p
Still irks me when newbies complain about SQ injections. I could do SQ injections ALL DAY LONG without an issue! They are nothing compared to IM and PIO! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!

10 days to go...

Time has gone by relatively quickly this month but not too quick. I hate this wait but once I get about 2 weeks away I am ok :)
I had another fertility massage that was interesting... I do think it does something to bring blood to those organs but they did some holistic thing with it that made it weird but funny. Hard to put into words but you could tell he was "pushing" the negative energy away! I do believe in some of it but some of it makes me giggle ;) But i figure I will take whatever positive energy I can get at this point! I will hopefully have another one this Wednesday when I see our RE. I think it will be the same guy as last although I really liked Crystal who I had the first time. Ah well.
So I have been having vivid dreams lately... I am sure its the Lupron and estrogen but whatever. Anyway, normally they make no sense or are weird dreams leaving me freaked out over something stupid.
Anyway, last week I had a dream I was 10 weeks pregnant and was told I was having a boy AND a girl :D and then a few days ago I had a dream I was testing really early (like 8dpo) and saw light lines :) I am going to take both as signs this is going to work finally! All in all I feel really positive!

DIE BCP DIE!

I stopped BCP today and I am hoping it will be FOREVER! I freaking hate them!!! I am sure they are  wonderful for some people but for me they are the devil! I must admit this time around was kinder on me, but I still feel off on them and feel fat as f&^%! I swear it's made losing weight impossible!
Lurpon is easier on me surprisingly. It does give me slight headaches but beyond that I hardly know I am one it and the injections are a breeze.

 I am feeling pretty good overall. I was just talking to DH about this... I have no idea how I climbed out of that hole I was in only a month ago. It was BAD. I was afraid I would never get out and DH said he was also feeling afraid and didn't know what to do. I feel good that I somehow made it past that! Not only that, I feel so optimistic this cycle is going to work! I haven;t felt this way in sooooo long! I just feel it!
Ultrasound and fertility massage Thursday! Will update then if there is anything to update!

Reproductive massage therapy

So yesterday I finally did reproductive massage therapy! I went to Nurture Acupuncture and ad a really good experience.
I met with the Dr. who really seemed to know his stuff. He made a lot of suggestions (some I knew- avoid cold food/drinks) and some I didn't (different veggies to avoid). He also told me to get off Maca which I was only taking because I had some left :p I told him I wanted to stick with my acupuncturist and he was totally fine with that.
I then went to the treatment room where I met Crystal. I freaking loved her! She gave me tons of advice also while doing the massage.
So the massage... Well I wasn't expecting a pleasant experience and sure enough I was right! LOL! She warned me that it can be very uncomfortable and to let her know if she needed to ease up. She started with something I had seem online regarding this where the main artery is pushed and held and then released. I think i remember that this flushes the organs.Anyway, she continued with her elbow and HOLY HELL it hurt and she had to ease up on me (and I have one hellva pain tolerance!!). You know when something gets so painful you get hot flashes? Ya that! But I didn't feel forced or trapped and she really responded to me and my body. She warned me that that part was the most painful and the rest is not and she as right. he massaged the rest of my abdomen and and focused a lot on the bellybutton. It was what i was thinking- breaking up at scar tissue, easing up the muscles, lifting the uterus. She said everything felt good in the area and that the only thing is my diaphragm seemed tight and I should work on breathing and stress. She said I responded well. i said I was willing to come weekly til transfer but she said that it wasn't really needed in my case in her opinion. So instead I will see her when I get AF and then a couple days before transfer.
She is also an acupuncturist and was totally fine that I wasn't coming there for acupuncture. She even encouraged me to continue with my current place.
Oh and interesting- She works with stroke patients at the hospital I normally go to for general care. I thought that was fabulous!

All in all I am so glad I did it!

One month 'til I am pregnant!

The FET is a month away and I must say optimism found me somehow. I have been working my ass off to find it but so so hopeless I didn't think ANYTHING would work. But it's back :) I'm afraid but excited too.
I went for a scan and blood work and everything looks great :) I also found out I start Lupron today and had no idea! I have been trying to keep my mind off it so I didn't even look! What a dork!
We changed to Fertility LifeLines for meds and so far so good :) I have only heard good things. Had to rush my Lupron to get it here today. Whoops.

So there it is... Here we go again!