Do not pass go, do not collect $200

Beta was today but this morning the test was lighter (but still there)... I knew it would not be good news. Took everything in me to drive to the lab and then I had a meeting right after. I turned everything off. It's the only way I could make it through today.
When I got home I had my nephew because my sister's MIL is in the ICU and touch and go (this week has been fucking awesome! My husbands grandfather -he actually raised DH- had a stroke a couple days ago and now her). Time to watch the elderly people in your life apparently.
It was so hard to be with the baby because I wanted it climb into bed and pull the blankets up over my head and just cry for hours. Instead I had a fussy, beautiful, sweet baby... And in the end it was probably much better for me. My sister kept called and apologizing.
Got the call while I had the baby in the bath... Beta was only 9. Baby was crying during my convo with Dr. H and I thought that was ironic. Dr. H actually made me feel better which surprised me. 

I think I am skipping Thanksgiving this year to stay in town for my sister. That and I have never liked this holiday. A holiday surrounded by eating food is like my worst nightmare really. Plus I am vegetarian and national 'kill a turkey day is a turn off'.

Poor DH has been taking such good care of me and finally broke... He came home crying from work. The stress of work and his grandfather and now this? :(
I read on a blog about how IF will magnify cracks in your marriage... I saw and felt first hand how terrible it could be on a marriage (with my ex). But if there is any bright side to this, it's has shown me that DH and I are an awesome couple. IF has only made us closer if anything. And for that i am thankful.

Stims DAY ELEVEN

So let's get to the nity gritty and then I will babble ;)
So I have 28 follicles like they had said last week but they separated in size. One group of 12-14 are ready 18-20mm) and the other group is 11-13mm. But my Estrodial levels look good today :) Yesterdays was 1600 but todays was 3000 so we trigger tonight! I took my last stim this morning!
I took Ganirelix tonight at 8pm, I take trigger tonight (and since my E2 wasn't horribly high I don't need to Lupron trigger) of 10,000 HCG at 11pm tonight for the ER at 11am Thursday :)

Physically- Heartburn is GONE! OMG THANK GOD! It had to be the ABX! I normally have a stomach of steel but I did NOT handle those antibiotics at all! it was horrible! 3 days of heartburn, bleh!
My boobs HURT today, holy hell! They are fine as long as I leave them alone and don't nudge them, touch them, get near them...
Bloating and cramps... If I wasn't an acupuncture believer before I AM NOW! So after my acupuncture appointment my bloating went down. But then it didn't come back... So much that I was afraid I O'ed and that the scan would say everything is gone! I was actually nervous because I felt so good! But obviously there is plenty of going on in there! My ovaries look pretty darn big! But even today and tonight I feel pretty normal! I look a bit bloated but don't really feel it and I am not achy and yucky like I have been- it's AWESOME! I am thinking the shoe will drop and I will be feeling it before the ER on Thursday! LOL! But until then I am doing well!

Emotionally I think it's taking a bit of a toll. I took a nap today and felt off after because of a dream... I think everything kinda hit me. I am a control freak and the hardest thing for me is to not to have control and SO many variables! So much could go wrong and I am trying not to focus on that. So far I have been doing great BUT I think it's getting to me. Feeling better though tonight thankfully :)

Tomorrow I need to get work done... I don't want to have to stress about it after the ER or next week after the transfer. I am also going to try and de-stess and mentally prepare for Thursday morning!

One month to go....

I start stimulation meds a month from today :)
Exciting!

Dr. H called and told me my cysts are not a problem after looking at my last labs :) Yay!

So I got my protocol sort of (spoke with the Dr H but nothing in writing yet). He said I will be doing the antagonist protocol and then 200 follistim 150 menopur. I am not really getting why the antagonist protocol part though. Why would he do this? I know when i had the bad labs I asked about doing Estrogen priming but since then my labs seem ok now:
FSH 7.4
Prolactin 4.3
TSH 1.56
AMH: 2.2
AFC: 19

I respond really well to clomid (2-7 mature follicles) and ok to femara (2-4 mature follicles). And I read antagonist protocol is for poor responders.

I am going to email him after I research a bunch more. I am one who trusts my Dr. as long as he can give me answers. They seem (him & my coordinator Day) very open to me asking questions and understanding everything going on so I am not afraid to ask... I just wanna feel more confident in *what* I am asking before I do ;)
I would be happy to skip Lupron but I am not sure that's the best for my #s.

Oh silly girl

I have decided should I ever be chased by a dinosaur or wild animals, I won't run from them. Instead I will lay calmly AND GET IT OVER WITH.

When I get anxious for/about something, the inner man child comes out and I decide to do stupid things. Thats how I got into roller derby and fencing.
Today was one of those days. Man child decided to try barefoot running, again. But this time instead of the mostly smoother asphalt and concrete, Man child thought she could handle the rural areas near her home covered in pebbles and dried grass (thorns).
Man child was wrong.

I think I gave up about 2 miles in... But couldn't get a hold of anyone to save me so I continued for about 3.5 miles. And the slower I would go (hoping to avoid the jagged rocks) the more it would hurt. Then I would give in and walk on the dried out "grass" and pray for no more thorn. All the while two things continued to cross my mind-
One, I would SUCK in prehistoric days and even then some were smart enough to cover their feet with hide and not been as foolish as Man Child.
Two, I was trying to figure out how to turn this zen. Maybe somehow a way of looking at the TTCMA battle or how painful it can be? Blah blah blah. Instead I would always go back to the dinosaurs or wonder what people were thinking of the stupid chick who forgot her shoes.

Oh and I got my AMH back- 2.20 so I am good to go!

Lab results so far...

So normally I go to Palo Alto Medical Foundation for care and labs. Last labs that freaked me out, I went to Quest Diagnostic.
So I re-did the labs and granted it was done on CD 2, that wouldn't make up for the difference!
Estradiol    44
FSH 7.4
LH    6.4
Prolactin    4.3
TSH    1.56

I haven't gotten my AMH back yet.... But WTF?! Quest had my FSH at 9.7!
I am relieved but like my IVF nurse said, it doesn't matter that much now. But when I wasn;'t sure about IVF is damn well f*&^ing mattered! I was freaking out. And now I am sucking down enough pills to kill a horse!
I am staying on the supplements until the cycle actually starts but I admit I am annoyed with Quest. They are unorganized and I feel icky when I got there, but I thought none of that mattered if the results were accurate. And EVERYTHING was off from my last PAMF results to the current result whereas the PAMF results are consistent. I am curious to see the AMH tomorrow...