Ultrasound! ONE healthy bean!

I would like to introduce you to my belly bean!
Looks like some sort of creepy insect but was much cuter when I saw the flickering of the heartbeat!

Wow the last 24 hours were intense. I felt like I was going out of my mind... I would start to worry and then my thoughts would carry from there to bad places. I went to bed last night at 2am and actually fell asleep right away. But woke up a 1/2 hour later and couldn't get back to sleep. I think I laid in bed for a couple hours and then gave up and came out to the living room. Went back to bed at 8am!
Sufficed to say i was a grumpy pants when I got up and was super stressed out. DH and I actually got into it a little because he was having  mini freak out and I was just super bitch back to him, "Look NOT today. Suck it and we can talk about it later!" Ya not my finest hour!

So onto the good stuff ;) My sister came too and video taped. Someday I shall upload my videos :/ I think she was just s excited as we were! The baby popped up right away and right away we all saw the heartbeat without being told where it was. So baby seems pretty snug and u/s machine continue to impress me! I go back April 14th I think...

I think having a hard morning made it easier to see only one this afternoon. I was so freaked out I would see nothing that seeing that one little heat beat was such a blessing! IS such a blessing! I wrapped my mind around having twins and so I figure it will take a bit but I will just start reminding myself of the positive sides of just one :) I am sad to hear I lost another embryo tho :( thats a total of 4 that didn't make it *sigh* But I have this one and I am going to try to allow all this to sink in and enjoy it finally!

My next post will be a new pregnancy blog. I want this one as a TTC/IVF resource so I think it's time to move along. When I started this I never imagined I would have over 100 posts or that it would turn into an IVF and then FET blog. But life doesn't go as planned and my TTCMA ladies know this more than anyone.
I am going to struggle with survivors guilt and pray and wish that so many beautiful ladies I have met along the way get their BFP soon. This journey SUCKS and is not fair! And I want this for them so badly!
Anyway... I will post a link when the new blog is up.
Thank you for putting up with my craziness! I am sending as much baby dust as I can muster your way ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
xoxo
Lucy

6 weeks pregnant!

Well that in an of itself is a milestone for me! Although I admit it hasn't sunk in no matter how badly I hoped it had :/ I feel in limbo and I am trying so hard not to lose it worrying. I don't want to get attached yet i already am!

I do feel pregnant though so that has been reassuring. Sometimes too reassuring LOL! I an;t even get out of bed I get so dizzy! I have never been this dizzy... I think I wrote that last week.
I took belly pictures but I will post them when I start a pregnancy blog after the ultrasound on MONDAY. Is it monday yet? Everyday feels like a week- still!!

5 weeks pregnant!

Once I am sure everything is OK I plan on moving this blog so it stays as an informational source for IVF and not just another pregnancy blog.

Thing are going by so o o o o o slow w w w w w! blah! I am grateful I am even in this position ut can it be the 24th already?
I feel pregnant but there is still a lot of paranoia. I literally checked my boobs last night because they seemed less swollen! (They are good just FYI lol) but seriously I feel like I am in limbo land! I would have thought with all the waiting for the IVF and FETs I would be good at this by now! But no... everyday feels like a week!

I am feeling pretty good although my sleep sucks. When I can sleep it feels like I'm not or I have screwed up nightmares like last night (DH cheated on me and when I confronted him he turned into my ex. ew). So I am tired all the time. I get these really bad dizzy spells and cramping is still on an off but not as much as it was. I am now bloating nightly. And pregnancy brain is in full force. I am afraid for my safety :p And for this blog!
Everyone asks if I am feeling sick. There are times where food is just gross but I don't have m/s. I read something about low magnesium is connected with m/s in pgy. I am pretty sure my mag is good and my Bs are in great shape so who knows. We will see tho as from what I have read m/s tends to nail you later on past week 6 (hit me early and hard with DS#1 but DS2 wasn't bad).
I dunno... can;t it just be the 24th already??!?!!??

2nd beta and ultrasound date!

So I got my betas back... 870! whew!!!!!!
We went from
14dpo: 181
17dpo: 870
Doubling every 31 hours :D
I literally said to the nurse, "Oh shit!" before I could even stop and think! :p I thought 500-600!

I actually went in earlier for the beta because I wanted those numbers... Well I didn't get a call and by 1:30pm I started panicking knowing that earlier calls means better results. I started thinking something might be wrong. I was seriously stressing out worried so I think it made the number THAT much better!

I got a message back from my OBGYN and she is getting in on the 24th <3 perfect timing! 6w3d!

So now to address the elephant in the room...

So everywhere I look says my levels are high.. Even higher than most average twin HCG. Does this mean twins? Not necessarily! I have read doubling time also *might* indicate and that also is QUICK at 31 hours. But I have also read many stories where it wasn't twins... And honestly I am trying so hard not to get my hopes up. I don't want to look forward to twins and then feel like I had another huge loss if we see only one heartbeat.
I do however think it's probably good for DH LOL! That way he can prepare himself because I don't think he would be as thrilled as I would :D
Truthfully I was SO not one to want twins. I didn't want them when this started but the closer we got to IVF the more I opened my mind to the idea. And after really focusing on the good, I started to WANT twins. I know it's more stress on your body and riskier. I want both healthy babies and mama... I also know it will probably be hell the first year. But we have a strong support system and more help than I could ever want. Also since my kids are widely paced I know how hard it s when kidlet doesn't have a playmate their age. My youngest will be almost TEN when babies are born! So it's not as if they will be playmates! My sister constantly asks to have my kids over because her son is lonely being 7 years older than him only sibling. So to have two, as they get older, it would be nice to hopefully avoid the loneliness.
Also I was 14 months older than my sister and while it's not twins, it was easier for my mom and I was NEVER lonely! LOL! Yes, at times we wanted to kill each other, but we also shared most everything and always had someone to be with!

I have no idea why this went into the direction it did LOL!
Basically I am nervous it won;t be twins because truly I AM BLESSED ONE OR TWO.

More about my BetaHcg

On my way to the blood test I got a call from the assistant I do not like asking if I was getting it done today. Um yeah. I think after I sent the letter about her she thinks being overly attentive will fix somthig. But instead it just bothers me because I asked she not call me and deal with my husband so she is only making things worse.
So yesterday I got THE call about 2 hours after the test and it was Dr. Harris! I was so  happy it was him calling!
Dr. H: You had me questioning my abilities and choice in careers but I am happy to say you are pregnant!
LOL!! He was pretty funny... Always is!                                                                                                    
We talked about how Sunday would have been the best day for repeat but Monday would be fine.
1/2 hour I got a call from the assistant so was sad because Dr. H 'beat her to it' because she wanted to call me *rolleyes* She then told me to get another beta on Tuesday. I corrected her and said Monday.
She called back AGAIN and said oh no it's Tuesday because we can't do 48 hours later. I then told her Dr. H and I talked about it and corrected her AGAIN. "Oh okay!"
She also told me that my ultrasound isn't covered since I am not Kaiser. WTF?! DH called financial and they said the same thing.  I can't find my paperwork of course! I swear it included it. So I have no idea :( But seriously being released to OB before the u/s sounds screwed up to me! And I pictured Dr. H showing us the heartbeat/s! *sigh* But thank god I love my OB but I just hope she can squeeze me in!!

So something Ive been thinking about... I really wonder what my HCG was on 12dpo... I mean it couldn't have been that low right? But those are sad lines! The digital ones were great and reassured me but the lines weren't great. Things that make you go hmmmmm....

4 weeks PREGNANT! With Beta results!

OMG I AM actually pregnant! 

I was hoping my beta would be at least 100 but knew it could still be okay if it was lower... It was 181!!! WOOOOO!!!!  I am thrilled with that number! I go back Monday since the clinic is closed on Sunday for the next one!
I want to type more but I am so exhausted!

8dp5dt (13dpo)

Love me some dr. horrible

I almost forgot to write today... Not much going on other than nail biting. I am symptom checking every 10 minutes so make sure I still feel pregnant (I do most checks lol). I didn't test today and I am not sure that was any better LOL! I think not testing made me just as nuts. Oh well.
There is a part of me soooo nervous and afraid. I keep thinking back on my past and all the losses. I stress that levels will be low or will drop... Then there is the other part of me- I feel like it will be OK. I didn't feel that way with any of my m/c deep down inside. With each one i felt it was off or wrong even if I didn't want to admit it to myself. I don't feel that way this time.
So betas are tomorrow! EEK!!!!

symptoms:
slightly sore full breasts
mild cramping and fullness
vivid dreams
hormonal
forgetful

7dp5dt (12dpo)

I am officially done testing now! It just stresses me out and my beta is on Friday so I think it's time. I had been saving the digitals for a long while til I was sure they would show :) Very excited to see those!!

Symptoms are growing too :)
I have been having vivid nightmare the last two nights... OMG seriously I am crazy. Between rabid animals and serial killers I have woken up almost screaming a few times now. I get night terrors when I m pregnant and I think this is the start. Should be very entertaining for DH when he wakes to me screaming over nothing LOL!
Also I am hormonal today.... And that's also a symptom for me with DS#1. I got angry at the shower-head today and my toothbrush LOL!

Symptoms:
cramps
bit bloated
slightly sore swollen breast
hormonal
nightmares/vivid dreams

6dp5dt 11dpo

 I am a spoiled brat always hoping for more :p I want my tests darker already! I am comparing them to others wishing they were as dark as theirs. Then I slap myself and remember I have never gotten a BFP at 10dpo that I could see! So I need to STFU and trust the process. 

Also I want more symptoms... Although today my wish came true a bit and I have some good cramps (IMPLANT BABIES!!) and my breast are slightly swollen and sore. I just want stronger symptoms! See there she is again... spoiled brat :p

Symptoms:

cramps on an off

mild swollen slightly sore breasts

5dp5dt 10dpo BFP?!?!??!

Yesterday was officallly freak out day... Not anything to do with tests but more lack of symptoms. Today would have been the same but the tests Gods are in my favor apparently!
Did the FMU and didn't think I saw anything. Took a SMU and within 5 min saw a super light line (the second pic). I decided since I have cheapies for once, I may as well curb the urge and use those tonight... And Uh I think we have something brewing!!

Problem is my symptoms are nothing much at all. Every pgy i have had, my breast were sore even before I even saw a line. Tonight they are full feeling and a bit itchy but not much. I have had some cramping but minimal. Freaks me out! I wanna feel like crap :p
I just keep reminding myself that every pregnancy is different! But it looks like this IS a pregnancy!
O
M
G!

4dp5dt (9dpo)

Bummer but the anxiety started today and panic set in :/ I am trying my best to ignore it and try to remain calm and positive. I think I was hoping I would have sore boobs today but that didn't really happen so I started to panic. Blah i hate anxiety!
I stocked up on HPTs today since my stash was pretty thin... Here's hoping I never have to buy another HPT EVER!!!

Symptoms:
cramping last night & bloating
nothing really today :/

3dp5dt (8dpo)

I wish I had something more entertaining but I simply don't. Not much happening and my mood has been great.
I am however glad I don't have to wait TWO weeks and that with IVF you cheat a little ;)

Symptoms:
Slight sore breasts
tired
mild cramps