So I don;t know what the deal was, but when we first started TTCMA again, I had DH call Kaiser because that's where I went for the boys. They said they only took members. I was bummed but moved on.
Well I guess it's different for IVF because the website says it takes nonmembers! Better yet their stats are better than the current clinic! It is further but not horrible!
I just hope they aren't as back logged as another clinic was.
So here's hoping! Well really, here's hoping I won't even need IVF ;)
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Sunday, April 28, 2013
6 dpIUI
I have absolutely nothing going oon and I am rather enjoying it- TTCMA wise I mean. The thought has crossed my mind a few times but I am not stressing. I have been exercising more this 2ww than I ever have and I think that helps.
it's funny tho, forced breaks for cysts or whatever? I DON'T do well. I get depressed and angry. But apparently "breaks" where I don't think the cycle worked? I do quite well LOL! Didn't see that coming.
Still not sure what to do re:IVF. I think I am set on doing it but now i am just trying to find the best clinic. And in this area that means below the national average on IVF success rates. Don't be jealous *rolls eyes* Normally in the Bay Area CA we have everything and get to be choosy. Apparently not when it comes to IF. I was shocked to see even Standford SUCKS! Its not fair that the prices are still really high yet the success rates are lower :/
Onto other news... we leave for vacation in like 10 days! Yay!! I think that is also helping distract me. But I would be lying if I said it was easy. At one point I didn't want to even go because I have been so bitter and depressed these last few months. But I think with the weather, my moods have improved. So I guess i have that in regards to living in this area! LOL! We have had little rain which is so not good for our water issues but OTOH the sunny warm weather has been awesome! It's been 85*-90* everyday! <3 I am always cold so hot weather is welcome to me :D Everyone else starts complaining but I never do in the summer but I whine like a bitch in the winter and wear footsie PJs. I own like 15 pairs (no exaggeration!) and let me remind you this is CA winter so we are talking about 55* not snow :P But the thought of it makes my skin crawl! But back to reality... 9pm at night and the fan is on and the door is open *sigh* love it!!!
it's funny tho, forced breaks for cysts or whatever? I DON'T do well. I get depressed and angry. But apparently "breaks" where I don't think the cycle worked? I do quite well LOL! Didn't see that coming.
Still not sure what to do re:IVF. I think I am set on doing it but now i am just trying to find the best clinic. And in this area that means below the national average on IVF success rates. Don't be jealous *rolls eyes* Normally in the Bay Area CA we have everything and get to be choosy. Apparently not when it comes to IF. I was shocked to see even Standford SUCKS! Its not fair that the prices are still really high yet the success rates are lower :/
Onto other news... we leave for vacation in like 10 days! Yay!! I think that is also helping distract me. But I would be lying if I said it was easy. At one point I didn't want to even go because I have been so bitter and depressed these last few months. But I think with the weather, my moods have improved. So I guess i have that in regards to living in this area! LOL! We have had little rain which is so not good for our water issues but OTOH the sunny warm weather has been awesome! It's been 85*-90* everyday! <3 I am always cold so hot weather is welcome to me :D Everyone else starts complaining but I never do in the summer but I whine like a bitch in the winter and wear footsie PJs. I own like 15 pairs (no exaggeration!) and let me remind you this is CA winter so we are talking about 55* not snow :P But the thought of it makes my skin crawl! But back to reality... 9pm at night and the fan is on and the door is open *sigh* love it!!!
Monday, April 22, 2013
IUI and more
copied from the forum:
So I feel like I have taken more of everyone's time than I should be, but I figure if people don't care they can just ignore my posts :P
Those who know me know I am not always a debbie downer, but this cycle I feel like that's all I have been and I apologize.
Just to back up- Saturday they scan showed 2 follicles but they were large 22 & 24 I think (and a 15 trailing behind). I really feel I am not meant to go to CD14 and should be triggered CD11 or 12.
My temp went up meaning I O'ed yesterday but like I said in another post, I hope the large went yesterday and the smaller one/s went today. Wishful thinking.
So I did the IUI today and she also wondered if there was actually a polyp or not. Seems odd to her but it happens. I can't have an HSG because of the iodine allergy. She agrees that I need to have a Saline infused sonogram but it can't see if my tubes are blocked or not. But since I got pg she knows at least one is okay (I think both are). She thinks we need to do this before ivf for sure. She said the endometrial polyp could cause m/c, but again doesn't think I have one per say.
So here's the problem (isn't there always one?), I would have to have this done after AF but I will be on vacation next cycle :/ So it's out for next cycle. In fact I am not sure I will even be here for my CD3 bw at this point.
So we decided to not waste the next cycle and go ahead with Femara (increase the dose) and IUI ( I will be back just in time). I think this will be our last IUI but its all up in the air. I am not sure since the testing is still up in the air. I wondered if maybe I can do it while on the BC for the ivf if that's what they will want me to do. I dunno and I am trying to figure out how to get answers since we are not yet patients doing ivf until we pay for a cycle and I don't want to do that until we are 100% and the IUI have or have not worked y/k? I think maybe email. I can't remember what he said.
After the IUI we went to the UR to go over the results. It was interesting. So you ladies were right... Because DH's count is so high it kinda makes up for the morph. On top of that (again, Dr TTCMAs was right) that they dont even really know what to do with the strict morph and there is debate. He said it's useful for ivf but they really aren't sure in regards to fertilization.
He did however find that DH's testosterone is low. We kinda suspected that. He said that alone wouldn't hurt fertility (because if it was hurting his count wouldn't be so high) but now he wants to check his prolatin and see if that is elevated which that we suspect also. If that is elevated, he will have an MRI on his pituitary gland to see if it's a tumor or just occurring- so surgery or medication depending on the results IF his prolactin comes back high.
He said beyond that we have exhausted the testing and such with him. He said we can keep going with IUI but if it doesn't work we obviously need to move to IVF and figure out when that would be (financially and emotionally).
I also got the fee rate from the IVF clinic and it was about where I thought. Now I need to figure out which plan to pick (single a la carte or a package). We have some coverage on diagnostic but no coverage on anything including medication :( oh well!
So just a side note: My Dr told me some interesting news, I guess the medical foundation that she works for is acquiring the IVF clinic I went to. So weird but cool because she can send all her stuff easily to them when it starts.
And then the UR we went to is in the same building as the IVF clinics second location and that's where DH got his SA (and while all other tests can be done elsewhere, the IVF clinic requires an SA with them so we hope this counts) even tho they are not intertwined.
I swear this is the bay area and not some small area so this is kinda weird!
SO I hold not much hope for this cycle and I am trying to focus on vacation packing instead of 2ww. I say this now but we will see 10 days from now lol!
Now gonna basically copy and paste this to my blog :giggle:
Thank you loves for all the support!!
So I feel like I have taken more of everyone's time than I should be, but I figure if people don't care they can just ignore my posts :P
Those who know me know I am not always a debbie downer, but this cycle I feel like that's all I have been and I apologize.
Just to back up- Saturday they scan showed 2 follicles but they were large 22 & 24 I think (and a 15 trailing behind). I really feel I am not meant to go to CD14 and should be triggered CD11 or 12.
My temp went up meaning I O'ed yesterday but like I said in another post, I hope the large went yesterday and the smaller one/s went today. Wishful thinking.
So I did the IUI today and she also wondered if there was actually a polyp or not. Seems odd to her but it happens. I can't have an HSG because of the iodine allergy. She agrees that I need to have a Saline infused sonogram but it can't see if my tubes are blocked or not. But since I got pg she knows at least one is okay (I think both are). She thinks we need to do this before ivf for sure. She said the endometrial polyp could cause m/c, but again doesn't think I have one per say.
So here's the problem (isn't there always one?), I would have to have this done after AF but I will be on vacation next cycle :/ So it's out for next cycle. In fact I am not sure I will even be here for my CD3 bw at this point.
So we decided to not waste the next cycle and go ahead with Femara (increase the dose) and IUI ( I will be back just in time). I think this will be our last IUI but its all up in the air. I am not sure since the testing is still up in the air. I wondered if maybe I can do it while on the BC for the ivf if that's what they will want me to do. I dunno and I am trying to figure out how to get answers since we are not yet patients doing ivf until we pay for a cycle and I don't want to do that until we are 100% and the IUI have or have not worked y/k? I think maybe email. I can't remember what he said.
After the IUI we went to the UR to go over the results. It was interesting. So you ladies were right... Because DH's count is so high it kinda makes up for the morph. On top of that (again, Dr TTCMAs was right) that they dont even really know what to do with the strict morph and there is debate. He said it's useful for ivf but they really aren't sure in regards to fertilization.
He did however find that DH's testosterone is low. We kinda suspected that. He said that alone wouldn't hurt fertility (because if it was hurting his count wouldn't be so high) but now he wants to check his prolatin and see if that is elevated which that we suspect also. If that is elevated, he will have an MRI on his pituitary gland to see if it's a tumor or just occurring- so surgery or medication depending on the results IF his prolactin comes back high.
He said beyond that we have exhausted the testing and such with him. He said we can keep going with IUI but if it doesn't work we obviously need to move to IVF and figure out when that would be (financially and emotionally).
I also got the fee rate from the IVF clinic and it was about where I thought. Now I need to figure out which plan to pick (single a la carte or a package). We have some coverage on diagnostic but no coverage on anything including medication :( oh well!
So just a side note: My Dr told me some interesting news, I guess the medical foundation that she works for is acquiring the IVF clinic I went to. So weird but cool because she can send all her stuff easily to them when it starts.
And then the UR we went to is in the same building as the IVF clinics second location and that's where DH got his SA (and while all other tests can be done elsewhere, the IVF clinic requires an SA with them so we hope this counts) even tho they are not intertwined.
I swear this is the bay area and not some small area so this is kinda weird!
SO I hold not much hope for this cycle and I am trying to focus on vacation packing instead of 2ww. I say this now but we will see 10 days from now lol!
Now gonna basically copy and paste this to my blog :giggle:
Thank you loves for all the support!!
Sunday, April 21, 2013
David Banner or Lou Ferrigno?
I had to look up who played the hulk...
less pouting today but so aggro at times! I have such little paience and with what i do have, I saved for DH and the kids.
I sent an assertive email to our homeschool coordinator because she has driven me nuts for MONTHS and I guess today was the straw. heh, hoping I dont regret it tomorrow.
I am just angry today.
I hope tomorrow I don't feel the same. I really dont think being crazy will help matters and I honestly don't want to "go off" on anyone. I do however think I am done with the OBGYN clinic.
I actually had a good talk with DH last night and he more than agreed that we should move on and just do as much as we can through the IVF clinic even if it costs more. I just don't have faith in them any longer. Not sure i ever did really, but now I am just getting frustrated by my care.
Wow what an awesome way to start a blog!
less pouting today but so aggro at times! I have such little paience and with what i do have, I saved for DH and the kids.
I sent an assertive email to our homeschool coordinator because she has driven me nuts for MONTHS and I guess today was the straw. heh, hoping I dont regret it tomorrow.
I am just angry today.
I hope tomorrow I don't feel the same. I really dont think being crazy will help matters and I honestly don't want to "go off" on anyone. I do however think I am done with the OBGYN clinic.
I actually had a good talk with DH last night and he more than agreed that we should move on and just do as much as we can through the IVF clinic even if it costs more. I just don't have faith in them any longer. Not sure i ever did really, but now I am just getting frustrated by my care.
Wow what an awesome way to start a blog!
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Today's appointment- mid cycle scan
We had a CD12 scan today and I was kind of hopeful maybe we had a really good response to the Femara.
We had to go up to the main clinic and met with a random Dr I had an IUI with. I think it was the one with the m/c but I am losing track of these random doctors. She is really nice, I do remember that.
Anyway, she was measuring my lining which was really good- I think 11mm? Thickest it has been on a scan. And she asked if I had heavy periods or spotted a lot. I told her I do have heavy AF and spot a while after AF but not in between. She said she thinks I may have a endometrial polyp. Great, just what i wanted to hear. I think she measured it at 7mm or something. I don't know. I was just frustrated at that point with the universe.
she measured the follicles and I only had two. I sound like a spoiled brat I know. But after responding so crazy to clomid and with DH's recent SA results, I was hoping for 4 to help our chances. They were huge too and she thinks they might be already releasing. Wonderful. We haven't DTD because of DH's SA I wanted to save up 5 days worth. Now I am wondering if there is a point. I am doing the HCG tonight at 2am I think since our apt isn't until monday at 2:30pm. My cervix and OPKs say I am not yet ovulating altho I haven't done any today, just yesterday.
I just wanted this to go smoothly. I don't want anymore bad news or questions.
We left bummed and quiet. Talked about IVF again on the hour long drive home.
I love DH. I truly feel he is my soul-mate. But I feel like when it comes to making decisions, I am alone. And I don't like that. He has opinions but I always seem to have to pull the trigger.And in his defense he is as mixed and torn as I am.
I think we are both waiting until Monday. So much going on Monday! 11am I have a phone consult with the IVF clinic to talk numbers and what if anything my insurances covers. 2:30pm we have the IUI and then at 4pm we meet with the UR.
We set the phone consult up when we met with them earlier this month. Most of the consult was covered and that shocked me. I think of the $250fee we paid $50! And they seems to work really well and figuring out if anything is covered. They are going to check medication, IUI and IVF coverage and fees. I am hoping we get some good news. I have heard medications might be covered and that is what our insurance letter said from them. That could save us a bit of money and then maybe put that to ICSI?
I actually get to see my Dr on Monday. I cannot remember when I saw her last. we email so it's not like I am completely out of touch. My cycle seems to be running late week and thats exactly when she isn't in so it's just worked out that way. I am hoping she will have some insight on the endometrial polyp.
I wish the appointments were in reverse order because I am holding out a lot of hope the UR will hold some insight for us. He is highly regarded in the area and said to be one of the best. I want to know what he thinks of our chances and what he suggests. I already know that he won;t recommend supplements- everyone he asked about DH was already on and has been on since Oct. They did the u/s on him and bloodwork. So unless clomid is a route (and I am thinking its not for his issue), we are done with the diagnostic part of it and hopefully we can just get some facts and opinions from him for treatment to get pregnant.
I wasted today away pouting and that just makes me more angry but this time at myself. It was a BEAUTIFUL day too. 85* degrees and warm. I wore a dress to the clinic because I wasn't freezing for once. I wanted to exercise or at the very least garden. Instead I slept and then moped. blah! I hate this. I hate this feeling and I hate letting myself get so wrapped up into it. THIS is what I hate about IF. THIS is why i just want to do the IVF and hopefully get pregnant and stop standing idle!
We had to go up to the main clinic and met with a random Dr I had an IUI with. I think it was the one with the m/c but I am losing track of these random doctors. She is really nice, I do remember that.
Anyway, she was measuring my lining which was really good- I think 11mm? Thickest it has been on a scan. And she asked if I had heavy periods or spotted a lot. I told her I do have heavy AF and spot a while after AF but not in between. She said she thinks I may have a endometrial polyp. Great, just what i wanted to hear. I think she measured it at 7mm or something. I don't know. I was just frustrated at that point with the universe.
she measured the follicles and I only had two. I sound like a spoiled brat I know. But after responding so crazy to clomid and with DH's recent SA results, I was hoping for 4 to help our chances. They were huge too and she thinks they might be already releasing. Wonderful. We haven't DTD because of DH's SA I wanted to save up 5 days worth. Now I am wondering if there is a point. I am doing the HCG tonight at 2am I think since our apt isn't until monday at 2:30pm. My cervix and OPKs say I am not yet ovulating altho I haven't done any today, just yesterday.
I just wanted this to go smoothly. I don't want anymore bad news or questions.
We left bummed and quiet. Talked about IVF again on the hour long drive home.
I love DH. I truly feel he is my soul-mate. But I feel like when it comes to making decisions, I am alone. And I don't like that. He has opinions but I always seem to have to pull the trigger.And in his defense he is as mixed and torn as I am.
I think we are both waiting until Monday. So much going on Monday! 11am I have a phone consult with the IVF clinic to talk numbers and what if anything my insurances covers. 2:30pm we have the IUI and then at 4pm we meet with the UR.
We set the phone consult up when we met with them earlier this month. Most of the consult was covered and that shocked me. I think of the $250fee we paid $50! And they seems to work really well and figuring out if anything is covered. They are going to check medication, IUI and IVF coverage and fees. I am hoping we get some good news. I have heard medications might be covered and that is what our insurance letter said from them. That could save us a bit of money and then maybe put that to ICSI?
I actually get to see my Dr on Monday. I cannot remember when I saw her last. we email so it's not like I am completely out of touch. My cycle seems to be running late week and thats exactly when she isn't in so it's just worked out that way. I am hoping she will have some insight on the endometrial polyp.
I wish the appointments were in reverse order because I am holding out a lot of hope the UR will hold some insight for us. He is highly regarded in the area and said to be one of the best. I want to know what he thinks of our chances and what he suggests. I already know that he won;t recommend supplements- everyone he asked about DH was already on and has been on since Oct. They did the u/s on him and bloodwork. So unless clomid is a route (and I am thinking its not for his issue), we are done with the diagnostic part of it and hopefully we can just get some facts and opinions from him for treatment to get pregnant.
I wasted today away pouting and that just makes me more angry but this time at myself. It was a BEAUTIFUL day too. 85* degrees and warm. I wore a dress to the clinic because I wasn't freezing for once. I wanted to exercise or at the very least garden. Instead I slept and then moped. blah! I hate this. I hate this feeling and I hate letting myself get so wrapped up into it. THIS is what I hate about IF. THIS is why i just want to do the IVF and hopefully get pregnant and stop standing idle!
I guess it's time to blog
My post on the forum I am on are getting to be too much. I feel like I have too much to say and it shouldn't all be about me. Besides, other people have it worse and don't need to hear my bitching.
I think I need to blog to work this stuff out on paper. I tend to cement it that way.
I really don't feel like going into the history right now. Maybe later. I will probably just post date a few of my posts and turn them into blogs.
I am just really trying to figure out what I am doing on this path and how to get the hell off it quickly. I feel like the universe is telling me to stop but I know thats BS. I see too many women in my own life that do not need to be pregnant to know that fate, God or the universe have nothing to do with it. I think kuck and our crappy bodies are what it's about. Some are randomly given good fertility, while others handed crap. Doesn't mean they are "meant" to be mothers. I know this to be far from the truth.
So now this is the longest I have TTC. I have spent more time TTC than I have pregnant in my life. I guess with my age I should have expected it? I just thought since I treat my body so much better that it would somehow even out my age. I am 100 pounds lighter! Shouldn't that do it? Although I don't know if it's me or DH's issues or a combo of both. And unless I need to know, I don't want to know. It doesnt help matters unless we can "fix" it.
I spoke with the IVF clinic and he sees no reason to continue trying Femara and IUIs for a few more cycles. Worked before, so it should work again. What if my gut doesn't think so? What if there are issues he doesn't see? I still have not had an HSG because of the allergy to iodine. I also feel like we are wasting time and my fertility waiting. My numbers were great but who knows where they are at now and where they will be 6 months from now. My mother went into menopause early, who knows if that's my fate. Grated she was 'too fertile' *rolleyes*
I think I am sick of feeling out of control. It is such a huge trigger for me. My anxiety is a constant battle and I feel like I am losing half the time. I feel like I keep pushing everything down down down but it is creeping up quicker and quicker. And things are thrown at me too often now. Normally midcycle I am excited at the thought of Oing but this last week has sucked with DH's SA results, only two follicles and now the possibility of Endometrial Polyp. And I know my kids suffer. They have no idea but they know something isn't right. Altho its been 21 cycles of this and I am beginning to think they are used to it and just think mom and step dad are bipolar. So not a joke even. We try not to involve them and stay happy around them but it's a challenge. There are times I don't want to even get out of bed :(
So then I start thinking ENOUGH! Lets just do the IVF. But is that too rash? And then questions like what about extra embryos? Or what if we have twins? Can my body handle it (long stpry). And I think maybe that isn't the best idea. And do I want to put THAT much money out because I am being impaient. But what if I am not being impaient. My gut tells me this is where we are headed anyway and that the IUIs and such are pointless. ARG, I dont know. I want someone to tell me what to do. To shed light on this and make me have an ah-ha moment where I see the plan clearly and am content with it.
I have been trying to give it to God. I dont think I have ever asked that before honestly. But I am trying now. I keep praying for guidance or just some of the burden off my shoulders. I am hoping an answer or help or at least some contentment is right around the corner.
I think I need to blog to work this stuff out on paper. I tend to cement it that way.
I really don't feel like going into the history right now. Maybe later. I will probably just post date a few of my posts and turn them into blogs.
I am just really trying to figure out what I am doing on this path and how to get the hell off it quickly. I feel like the universe is telling me to stop but I know thats BS. I see too many women in my own life that do not need to be pregnant to know that fate, God or the universe have nothing to do with it. I think kuck and our crappy bodies are what it's about. Some are randomly given good fertility, while others handed crap. Doesn't mean they are "meant" to be mothers. I know this to be far from the truth.
So now this is the longest I have TTC. I have spent more time TTC than I have pregnant in my life. I guess with my age I should have expected it? I just thought since I treat my body so much better that it would somehow even out my age. I am 100 pounds lighter! Shouldn't that do it? Although I don't know if it's me or DH's issues or a combo of both. And unless I need to know, I don't want to know. It doesnt help matters unless we can "fix" it.
I spoke with the IVF clinic and he sees no reason to continue trying Femara and IUIs for a few more cycles. Worked before, so it should work again. What if my gut doesn't think so? What if there are issues he doesn't see? I still have not had an HSG because of the allergy to iodine. I also feel like we are wasting time and my fertility waiting. My numbers were great but who knows where they are at now and where they will be 6 months from now. My mother went into menopause early, who knows if that's my fate. Grated she was 'too fertile' *rolleyes*
I think I am sick of feeling out of control. It is such a huge trigger for me. My anxiety is a constant battle and I feel like I am losing half the time. I feel like I keep pushing everything down down down but it is creeping up quicker and quicker. And things are thrown at me too often now. Normally midcycle I am excited at the thought of Oing but this last week has sucked with DH's SA results, only two follicles and now the possibility of Endometrial Polyp. And I know my kids suffer. They have no idea but they know something isn't right. Altho its been 21 cycles of this and I am beginning to think they are used to it and just think mom and step dad are bipolar. So not a joke even. We try not to involve them and stay happy around them but it's a challenge. There are times I don't want to even get out of bed :(
So then I start thinking ENOUGH! Lets just do the IVF. But is that too rash? And then questions like what about extra embryos? Or what if we have twins? Can my body handle it (long stpry). And I think maybe that isn't the best idea. And do I want to put THAT much money out because I am being impaient. But what if I am not being impaient. My gut tells me this is where we are headed anyway and that the IUIs and such are pointless. ARG, I dont know. I want someone to tell me what to do. To shed light on this and make me have an ah-ha moment where I see the plan clearly and am content with it.
I have been trying to give it to God. I dont think I have ever asked that before honestly. But I am trying now. I keep praying for guidance or just some of the burden off my shoulders. I am hoping an answer or help or at least some contentment is right around the corner.
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