Secondary Infertility

Secondary Infertility... Been on my mind a lot lately. Been feeling a rift and think this could very well have something to do with it.
Being without a child and dealing with infertility sucks. Nothing worse. But a close second is secondary and it comes with it's own set of issues that you can't respect unless you have been there.

"You should feel blessed! You already have children!.. At least you have them!"
Millions of people are allowed to decide (or not and have a "whoops") and are not accused of not appreciating what they have. How am I different? Because I am not simply giving up because well at least I have somewhat of what I wanted? Fuck you. I CAN have what others have and NOT be judged because I WANT MORE.
Honestly its BECAUSE my children are so awesome I want more! I LOVE being a mom. I loved breastfeeding. I love having a house full of kids! So why can;t I have this? because physically it's not happening? Or maybe you feel it's "God's plan" for me not to or fate? Um... Knowing way too many unplanned large families who are MISERABLE tells me otherwise.





Am I robbing my other children? How far do you take TTCMA with SIF? Finances are no longer yours but they belong to a family now and that family has a future full of bills. IVF or college fund? How do you decide? 

Just like IF#1, your friends do not relate. But now all of your friends have kids... And they didn't have problems conceiving. You are an alien to them. What is all this you talk about? Just have sex!! "I don't understand" is the theme and you soon feel like a freak of nature. And most of the time you just don't tell them- or wish you didn't.

It's not all about you. TTCMA beings on many down days. Days where you want to roll up into a ball and not face the world. While holding onto the babes you have is comforting, it's hard to face depression trying to care for others. You don't want your children to suffer and feel drained some days and like it never stops. Hiding under the covers during AF isn't going to happen. IVF pain? Meds have you crazy? You have to keep your cool especially to your little people. So not only in public do you have to remain sane, but at home too.

The worst part of SIF? Your children asking when they will have another sibling. "Why is it taking so long?" The look in their eyes is heartbreaking and the moment you realize that infertility hurts them too? That tears you apart.

Then there is the great divide.... First timers and "us". People struggling with IF with no children have a hard time having empathy (not all- just some) for those who do. There are message boards where you are basically snubbed for even joining if you already have children (the bump). And I can understand to a point. But here's the thing- odd are you will one day be in my shoes. After you win this battle, when you long for another, you will then have this battle and hope that others have empathy for you.