3 weeks pregnant... Well if i am pregnant

I am trying to be hopeful LOL! And actually thats pretty good for me. Lately I just have been a debbie downer. 2ww are as emotional as BFN because i am already convinced it didn't work and I am already angry.
This time around I am not so negative tho. When I look at the stats it doesn't look great but I am still remaining optimistic for the most part.
But the last week has gone by s o o o o o o o o o    s l o o o o o o o w l y. ARG! Punishment for the first 2 flying by? LOL!
I am hoping I will know in a few days. That way at the very least I am exercise hard and workout some of these frustrations!

Meanwhile, Target had a sale so this junkie now has
14 FRER
1 left over FR digital and 1 CB digital


The 3 packs were 12.99 and then take a dollar off coupon on each of the boxes. If you buy 2 you get a $5 gift card. So of course this meant I had to buy 4 packs and I already had some at home. Luckily DH didn't even flinch. He is used to my madness I guess.

Thinking I have enough to check for trigger tomorrow... I am so weak *rolleyes* 

Started Weight Watchers last week. Weird time to start it in my cycle but probably the best in hindsight. I need these 10 pounds off. It suck tho, I am used to being able to be not as strict with my food because I exercise so much. But in the TWW I am so paranoid I don't exercise as hard/often so the weight isn't melting off as quickly! I have to be so much more careful! bleh!
But I am losing. I know I have lost at least 2 pounds and I am happy with that even if some of it is water :D

Oh thank god the drama queen has is gone

or at least taking a break. Was WAY less emotional today. I think sleeping a ton today helped and this cold might be finally heading out. I definitely feel better after a way too long nap.

The IUI went well and our sample was "wonderful" (they don't do numbers here *sigh*) so thats good. I thought maybe I O'ed yesterday but I had a ton of EWCM today and seemed pretty fertile so thats good. Hopefully the BD the night before last and the IUI will do the trick again :)
trying not to over-think it ;)

Something occurred to me yesterday and i think it's one of the reasons I am so pessimistic and negative.- At one point i said to myself, "Just calm down! You have done everything you can this cycle and it's done. There isn't any more you could have done."
That thought was comforting for a second until it occurred to me that it's untrue. The longer I stay with this clinic the more I know they just can't handle us. We should have left forever ago and I knew this. So i think i am angry at myself. Every midcycle scan is a disappointment and most of it has to do with mis-managment IMO.
So now I am torn as to what to do... We won't be seeing the new clinic until June 10th and thats just a consult. So next cycle most likely will either be skipped or we will have to stay with the OB one more cycle. DH suggested we go with the other IVF clinic and do an IUI injectable cycle but I am not sure I want to go clinic hoping. Still unsure.

Also we got an email from the UR about DH and his prolactin is not elevated. I am relieved and disappointed all at the same time. i thought for sure that was the issue with his testosterone but I guess not.

The karyotype (chromosomes) was normal

Testosterone low as before - pituitary hormones normal 

In this setting I would give one of two medicines that will increase testosterone and hopefully help sperm function and therefor fertility. 

One would be clomiphene (Clomid) the other Arimidex.  Both are easy but would take 3-4 months to know if helping (possibly sooner)

You can research them a little if you want in the male setting

Or I can just prescribe one of them.

DN

So I think we are going to start him on clomid but I am not sure... I want his actual testosterone number first. Then i want to research. I am unsure clomid is the answer when the morphology is the issue not numbers currently. My understanding is that clomid doesn't help with that. Then again if clomid helps testosterone and that in turn helps morphology then that might be the answer. But i am just speculating. I need to do a ton of research. 

Trying

Been doing positive affirmations today and they were working for a while.
Then I got pissed over nothing that important. A girl on a forum I have support for many months got pregnant... And even tho she hasn't been TTCMA and has simply been waiting for her BC to wear off, I am thrilled for her and said so. Her reply? "Thank you" and i am not even sure the reply was to me. Blah, whatever. Stupid reason to be upset I know. But I get emotionally invested in certain people and when they are an ass it hurts my feelings. I am just emotional in general.

I did forget to mention something in my defense- We brought back colds from vacation :( well Ginger did and he gave it to the ENTIRE family myself included. I have a headache, body aches and sore throat for days. Today is a bit better thankfully but still sick. This might be a big reason for my moodiness. I sure hope so because I don't even want to be around me.

So far...

I feel stupid but I am not even sure if this is exactly correct but I wanted to jot it down and put it in my sig.

Clomid cycle #1 50mg- Canceled :( 7 follicles

IUI#1 natural cycle, 2 follies BFN

IUI#2 clomid 25mg 3 follies BFN

IUI#3 clomid 50mg 3 follies BFN

IUI#4 clmoid 75mg 4 follies BFN

IUI#5 Femara 2 follies BFP- m/c :( Feb ‘13

IUI#6 Femara 3 follicles BFN

IUI#7 Femara 2 follicles BFN

Currently:

Cycle 22

Femara- 2 follicles – IUI 5/22

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I should get my doctor's notes and see for sure but I a not sure how with the new insurance and not sure I wanna waste the energy. I SHOULD tho with the IVF apt coming up. blah, ok ok I guess I will.

ETA: Oh and I am horrible... I think I had 2 chemicals with iui 2 & 3 but trying to ignore them I guess and didn't jot them down. I guess in fear something even worse is wrong with me. 

Left DisneyWorld but I am still on a rollercoaster

Blah the Femara has finally broke me. I was doing so well but apparently the 7.5mg a day is too much. I am SO emotional. I am having a pity party one minute and then beating myself up for having one because others are going through worse. I won't be taking the 7.5mg again. I was unstable to begin with and now? I don't even want to type some of the crazy thoughts I have had.

So I had the scan and it went OK. I no longer even hope for good because I can't remember the last one I left hopeful or excited and this was no different. Apparently higher doses of Femara just make me O earlier, not give me more follicles like Clomid. I am CD 10 and the 2 follies I had were huge. I think probably too large (26 & 28mm) but I am trying SO hard not to stress about it because there is NOTHING I can do about it now.
Also with Oing so soon it looks like I might be doing another IUI with this clinic instead of starting with the IVF one. Bleh.
So i trigger tonight and then IUI Wednesday morning at 9am.
I just hope this is it. I am just so fucking done.

I feel like I lost a cycle

I don't know why but I feel like I have lost track completely of what cycle I am on. Maybe it's just me trying not to pay attention?
So i guess I am on cycle 22. I wish I kept better track.

So we did a cruise and it was good overall... But hard. I guess the meds are making me emotional. I wanted to cry when i saw baby adorable girls or those dressed alike... And on a Disney cruise? Thats way too often. I am normally not so emotional so it took me by surprise.
I also had dreams about my sister's baby. She has had such complications with this pregnancy but is finally getting to the point where he is getting to be real to me. She is 18 weeks soon and we found out weeks ago that it is a boy. I can't beleive i would be close to 20 weeks if i wouldn't have m/c. *sigh* I had hoped so hard I would be pregnant by now. I am starting to wonder if my sister and i will be pregnant together at all. I really hope so...

I have a mid-cycle scan tomorrow and I am hoping for good news. If i get pregnant this cycle, i will be due around Valentines day. If hadn't stopped believing in signs many months ago, I would think a possible due date of 2-14-14 would be one. But too often I have hoped that only to be let down. 

Update on IVF steps

So i am annoyed and was going to dedicate an entire post about tacky know it all people but I think thats just PMS talking so instead I will copy and past I post I posted yesterday with an update:

So I have an apt June 10th (DH's 40th!) with a new clinic with better stats. I am excited because we are probably going to use a satellite office which happens to be the clinic I used to get pg with both boys I won't have the same NP I am sure but still..

Waiting on DH's prolacton levels still.

Lauren had said starbx pays for medication but I was having a hard time getting answers even from our first IVF clinic. So Melissa gave me a number and DH called them. They got back to use today and they said our insurance pays for 75% of medication! As long as we use a certain pharmacy Not sure what that mean but this news should save us $$$$!

So Femara IUI next cycle (AF should be here next week) and I am not sure if we will start the cycle after or the one following. I guess it depends on the apt on the 10th!

Also the new clinic offers no packages so I guess that answers that