DIE BCP DIE!

I stopped BCP today and I am hoping it will be FOREVER! I freaking hate them!!! I am sure they are  wonderful for some people but for me they are the devil! I must admit this time around was kinder on me, but I still feel off on them and feel fat as f&^%! I swear it's made losing weight impossible!
Lurpon is easier on me surprisingly. It does give me slight headaches but beyond that I hardly know I am one it and the injections are a breeze.

 I am feeling pretty good overall. I was just talking to DH about this... I have no idea how I climbed out of that hole I was in only a month ago. It was BAD. I was afraid I would never get out and DH said he was also feeling afraid and didn't know what to do. I feel good that I somehow made it past that! Not only that, I feel so optimistic this cycle is going to work! I haven;t felt this way in sooooo long! I just feel it!
Ultrasound and fertility massage Thursday! Will update then if there is anything to update!

Reproductive massage therapy

So yesterday I finally did reproductive massage therapy! I went to Nurture Acupuncture and ad a really good experience.
I met with the Dr. who really seemed to know his stuff. He made a lot of suggestions (some I knew- avoid cold food/drinks) and some I didn't (different veggies to avoid). He also told me to get off Maca which I was only taking because I had some left :p I told him I wanted to stick with my acupuncturist and he was totally fine with that.
I then went to the treatment room where I met Crystal. I freaking loved her! She gave me tons of advice also while doing the massage.
So the massage... Well I wasn't expecting a pleasant experience and sure enough I was right! LOL! She warned me that it can be very uncomfortable and to let her know if she needed to ease up. She started with something I had seem online regarding this where the main artery is pushed and held and then released. I think i remember that this flushes the organs.Anyway, she continued with her elbow and HOLY HELL it hurt and she had to ease up on me (and I have one hellva pain tolerance!!). You know when something gets so painful you get hot flashes? Ya that! But I didn't feel forced or trapped and she really responded to me and my body. She warned me that that part was the most painful and the rest is not and she as right. he massaged the rest of my abdomen and and focused a lot on the bellybutton. It was what i was thinking- breaking up at scar tissue, easing up the muscles, lifting the uterus. She said everything felt good in the area and that the only thing is my diaphragm seemed tight and I should work on breathing and stress. She said I responded well. i said I was willing to come weekly til transfer but she said that it wasn't really needed in my case in her opinion. So instead I will see her when I get AF and then a couple days before transfer.
She is also an acupuncturist and was totally fine that I wasn't coming there for acupuncture. She even encouraged me to continue with my current place.
Oh and interesting- She works with stroke patients at the hospital I normally go to for general care. I thought that was fabulous!

All in all I am so glad I did it!

One month 'til I am pregnant!

The FET is a month away and I must say optimism found me somehow. I have been working my ass off to find it but so so hopeless I didn't think ANYTHING would work. But it's back :) I'm afraid but excited too.
I went for a scan and blood work and everything looks great :) I also found out I start Lupron today and had no idea! I have been trying to keep my mind off it so I didn't even look! What a dork!
We changed to Fertility LifeLines for meds and so far so good :) I have only heard good things. Had to rush my Lupron to get it here today. Whoops.

So there it is... Here we go again!

FET #2 Calendar

Swimming

I feel better... Really why not start with that since I have been such a downer lately. I am swimming again instead of sinking. It's still really hard but upward at any speed is a blessing to me right now.
Transfer is one week and one month away... Seems far but not horribly. I am starting to take better care of myself and doing some prepping. I am hoping to start reproductive organ/fertility massage soon. I just have this feeling it's something I need to have done.

Lost not found

I had a realization this morning while lying in bed... I had written I have lost my passion for this but really it's hope I have lost.

So month after month I have held onto hope. After all the IUIs and even the miscarriages I had hope. After the IVF failed, devastated but I still had hope for the FET. But after this last FET? Hope is what's missing. I no longer feel hopeful. I always knew in the end everything would work out and be fine. But now? Now I am scared shitless it won't. If the best of the best embryos  didn't make it, why the hell would the others?? Or what if there is something really wrong with me? And what the fuck is wrong with me??? PCOS isn't enough to explain all this... My life battling infertility each time I want to conceive, yet no real answers. So what if my body is just finally done? 

So the real issue/problem/solution... HOW do you get hope back??? 

100th post

I can't count how many blogs I have started and stopped. I have good intentions but lack follow through. I doubt I am alone in this ;) But this blog was never meant to make it to 100 posts. It was supposed to have switched to a pregnancy blog many posts ago. But that never happened :( And so it's another milestone I never thought I'd hit- like a second FET. You never think you would be the one that IVF isn't working for. I can't believe we are going on our third transfer... I am just still in shock and grieving I think.
I am trying to hard to pump myself up for this next transfer next month but it's hard. I have no passion for this left. But my urge to be pregnant is at the highest point. I want it SOOOOO badly. I just can't seem to get my mojo back or positive attitude. I feel like I have picked myself up off the floor so many times I am just too tired to get up again. If I knew this was the last time I had to scrape myself off the floor and get all happy and stupid, I would do it. But what if this one doesn't work? And yaya I know I am supposed to stay positive, but really? At this point not many could hold onto positivity.

It's not all cloud and rain right now... I have got myself setup for accupuncture to start up again and I have a referal for a chiropractor. I also started doing massages again. So I have started faking it so thats a step. Also DH is juicing and has been making me juice every night... <3 I don't do much green in mine but it's better than the refined sugar I like to eat :D Carrot, Apple and Lemon with a handful of spinach!

I am on CD3 and started BCP yesterday. I did not dread it because my body was jacked this last cycle. CRAMPS for weeks, hormonal and just PMSing for weeks. It was the longest natural cycle I have had in years. I am glad I took that time though. i think all these meds put a toll on our bodies. I ave been on shots and pills daily pretty much since last july!