One month 'til I am pregnant!

The FET is a month away and I must say optimism found me somehow. I have been working my ass off to find it but so so hopeless I didn't think ANYTHING would work. But it's back :) I'm afraid but excited too.
I went for a scan and blood work and everything looks great :) I also found out I start Lupron today and had no idea! I have been trying to keep my mind off it so I didn't even look! What a dork!
We changed to Fertility LifeLines for meds and so far so good :) I have only heard good things. Had to rush my Lupron to get it here today. Whoops.

So there it is... Here we go again!

FET #2 Calendar

Swimming

I feel better... Really why not start with that since I have been such a downer lately. I am swimming again instead of sinking. It's still really hard but upward at any speed is a blessing to me right now.
Transfer is one week and one month away... Seems far but not horribly. I am starting to take better care of myself and doing some prepping. I am hoping to start reproductive organ/fertility massage soon. I just have this feeling it's something I need to have done.

Lost not found

I had a realization this morning while lying in bed... I had written I have lost my passion for this but really it's hope I have lost.

So month after month I have held onto hope. After all the IUIs and even the miscarriages I had hope. After the IVF failed, devastated but I still had hope for the FET. But after this last FET? Hope is what's missing. I no longer feel hopeful. I always knew in the end everything would work out and be fine. But now? Now I am scared shitless it won't. If the best of the best embryos  didn't make it, why the hell would the others?? Or what if there is something really wrong with me? And what the fuck is wrong with me??? PCOS isn't enough to explain all this... My life battling infertility each time I want to conceive, yet no real answers. So what if my body is just finally done? 

So the real issue/problem/solution... HOW do you get hope back??? 

100th post

I can't count how many blogs I have started and stopped. I have good intentions but lack follow through. I doubt I am alone in this ;) But this blog was never meant to make it to 100 posts. It was supposed to have switched to a pregnancy blog many posts ago. But that never happened :( And so it's another milestone I never thought I'd hit- like a second FET. You never think you would be the one that IVF isn't working for. I can't believe we are going on our third transfer... I am just still in shock and grieving I think.
I am trying to hard to pump myself up for this next transfer next month but it's hard. I have no passion for this left. But my urge to be pregnant is at the highest point. I want it SOOOOO badly. I just can't seem to get my mojo back or positive attitude. I feel like I have picked myself up off the floor so many times I am just too tired to get up again. If I knew this was the last time I had to scrape myself off the floor and get all happy and stupid, I would do it. But what if this one doesn't work? And yaya I know I am supposed to stay positive, but really? At this point not many could hold onto positivity.

It's not all cloud and rain right now... I have got myself setup for accupuncture to start up again and I have a referal for a chiropractor. I also started doing massages again. So I have started faking it so thats a step. Also DH is juicing and has been making me juice every night... <3 I don't do much green in mine but it's better than the refined sugar I like to eat :D Carrot, Apple and Lemon with a handful of spinach!

I am on CD3 and started BCP yesterday. I did not dread it because my body was jacked this last cycle. CRAMPS for weeks, hormonal and just PMSing for weeks. It was the longest natural cycle I have had in years. I am glad I took that time though. i think all these meds put a toll on our bodies. I ave been on shots and pills daily pretty much since last july!

There should be a warning for this post

I came here to see what I have left after the FET:
Straw #3: 5BB
Straw #4: 3AB
Straw #5: 5BA X2
Straw #6: 3BB
Straw #7: 5AA group B

I am not sure what the plan is as far as which we are xfering because I don't remember. I know he doesn't want to use the 5AA because that egg wasn't mature when it was harvested and is considered "group b". I think that's pretty cool though that an immature egg can turn into a 5AA embryo but I will do whatever my Dr. wants. I assume the 2 5BAs in straw #5. Would be cute if they were frozen together and then became twins ;)

After my last post i wrote a seven page letter to my Dr. about his IVF coordinator. YES seven pages because I was giving examples of emails and texts- I had a ton. She pushed me over the edge by telling me another FET would be free when that is not the case. I tried switching Dr.s but it would have delayed the next FET to March. On top of that I love Dr. H and why should I have to give him up because shes incompetent?

I don't know where I am at emotionally. As long as I don't think about IVF or being pregnant, I am fine. But the minute I start thinking on this, I am a wreck. I am still bitter and angry. I still am in denial I had another chemical pregnancy. I can't stand the thought that the FET was considered a success when it wasn't in my eyes. I just can't believe that I am here attempting my 3rd transfer. this was supposed to be our sure thing. We were even told to keep trying IUIs, yet here I am. I am one of those stories... never assume and never take good stats for granted. I have had kids, my health is good, BMI is good, DH's SA was much better... It should have worked, But it didn't so here I am. I never thought I would have done one transfer in my life... and now I have transferred 3 babies and looking to transfer 2 more. I am sad those little lives were lost. I am prolife and make no apologize for it. So to me, those were losses- all 3 of them :(
To make matters worse my next FET isn't until late February. Nothing like celebrating a m/c anniversary month with a FET :(  But whats worse is sitting on my ass doing nothing. I HATE waiting. I feel like I get to sit and dwell. And while in the past i could use this time to improve my health, I am past that. I want to eat crap and drink soda constantly. I feel like mentally I am not well so how the hell would I manage to eat well? Luckily exercise is engrained into me but I think I fuck even that up by doing too much. Oh well, its the only control I have in my life it feels. So I exercise 90-120 minutes a day after i drink my large soda and triple shot latte. Whatever. I will curtail it later.

Christmas turned out to be a wonderful distraction because i faked it 110%. My house was decorated, i did a scavenger hunt for the kids, I hosted.. blah blah blah. None of it was genuine really because I am fucking bitter and hopeless and angry right below the surface.

Oh crap... I forgot I am PMSing and none of this could be true a week from now so i will stop.

There is awlays, always, always something to be thankful for

It's been less than a week since I found out but it feels like a month!
It has been such a long week... First thing is that grandfather-in-law is doing well all things considered. He will have to have a lot of rehab, but I have seen much worse after strokes. I think we are lucky to still have him <3
Sadly though, my sister lost her MIL Friday evening :( Very sad... She loved my youngest and called him her little redhead. He took it really poorly and has been crying on an off. She took my kids on as her grandkids and was very sweet to them. But my heartbreaks for my BIL who is such a sweet man. He's an only child and his father passed 20 years ago. He basically only has my sister and nephew. I am SO thankful he has them. I can't picture his life if things didn't turn out the way they did with them. It's obviously been difficult for my little sister too :( And because she wanted to be at the hospital in the ICU, I had the baby most of last week. It was lots of pumping on her part. Luckily she is a cow (well she makes milk like one) and baby and I know each other pretty well now. I felt like a mama to a newborn again. It's so bittersweet! But honestly he distracts me so much it's amazing. He makes me long to have a baby again but on the other hand I just just having him! I miss nursing tho! He makes my breasts hurt!!
So when I first figured out the FET failed I didn't know how I would survive. But I only had hours to digest it and then went into survival mode. And I do well in survival mode. Really well. No time to think- just GO GO GO. And well, that apparently worked for me. I am still scared as hell about doing another FET, but I don't want to run away or kick puppies.
I have spent my entire adult life working through my issues... Talking it out. Open lines of communication. Facing my demons and processing it all. I have decided though that for IF and TTCMA, denial is best. Run like hell from most of your feelings. Try not to think about the emotional aspects and just move forward somehow, someway. I am sure it's unhealthy as all hell. But it's worked. It worked the last 2 times and I am hoping I can hang on long enough for it to work this time. After I get PG I fall apart and cry about it all at random times, about m/c and feel like a freak because it slams me all at once. But i don't know what else to do or how else to do it.

All in all I am thankful I am alive.