Happy Halloween (or not I guess)

I shouldn't be surprised but IF depression snuck up on me today... Seeing my adorable nephew dressed adorably triggered some sadness in me. I started wondering how different things would be if IF never happened. I also realized I was avoiding it more this year than ever (compared to the last few). The boys went with their Dad as usual, and I did yard work. Bad choice as I had too much time to think.
While I was melancholy, I also started thinking about the women who have no children and how this is yet another holiday that reminds them of what you don't have. Put things in perspective for me. I spent some time with DH so that was really nice and ended the day less depressed thankfully.

I have been avoiding IVF in general lately. I am scared and avoiding it is my way of coping. I am having a hard time getting excited about the FET. I am so afraid of it not working like last cycle. I just don't know how to shake it. I am hoping I will again have a breakthrough and start to get excited. Less than 3 weeks to go so i hope it happens soon. 

I am an aunty again :)

My sissy had her little boy after a long labor. I was her birth coach so it was a long week!

I was up for days and it was tough because Oct 5th was his birthday and my m/c EDD was 10/6. I thought for sure I would be pregnant by now. Anyway...
He is beautiful! I know most babies are adorable and sweet but this little one has such a calm demeanor and is so sweet! He only cries when his diaper is being changed or when he is naked! LOL! Other than that, nothing!! I stay nights with them since his daddy is NOT a night person and my sister has severe anxiety and can;t sleep. He is in my arms right now and I finally figured out how to use the computer AND watch him LOL! But I will admit I am home for the first time and my couch helps ;) My sister felt badly that I haven;t been home at night in many nights so she packed up and headed here for the night. She is a cow when it comes to milk and nursing so she pumped a bottle for the first time for tonight. I am hoping she can get more than 3 hours sleep tonight! I am not sure she will be able to to tho... She wakes to feed him before I even come and get her. I was the same way with my kids. So I will give him his first bottle. I am a BFing mom so I am nervous as I have never done this. But he is so easy I am sure it will be fine. And I am honestly not worried about nipple confusion with him (I was with mine).
My sister did the same for me- whatever I needed after birthing. We take care of each other <3 But must add her new husband is wonderful! With her other son I felt bad leaving in the morning because her husband then did little to nothing! This time around I am not worried. He is a sweet guy and so happy! He goes back to work next week though ;( I hope she does ok without him because I can;t do nights AND days next week. i have too much on my plate.

My hormones are SO out of whack! Since his birth I have been bleeding on an off. And my boobs hurt like milk is coming in! eek! I have an u/s next week and start lurpon so hopefully things will work itself out. I also will be leaving on vacation on the 20th so not holding him all night should help. I planned a last minute Disneyland trip after the IVF failed. It was all I could do to pull myself out of depression. And I still haven't broke the news to my boys that things will be taking longer. I told them I would know by Halloween and hoped it would be happy news. They don't know or understand the details of IVF but know we have been seeing "the Doctor" for help getting pregnant. I probably shouldn't have said anything to them but I was sure it would work :(
I am thinking of telling them during vacation that now we will know by Christmas if it worked. This is uncharted territory right now. I am sad for the boys and don't know what is the right or wrong thing to do regarding them. they just want another sibling and have for years now :/

I should probably end this. Sleep deprivation isn't helping me compose this post! LOL! I feel pretty stupid silly right now ;)

Happy Birthday James! Aunty loves you!!

Should this be the WTF post?

I have read that most people have WTF went wrong appointments after a failed IVF. So I guess this would be a WTF post, but not really. I am actually at peace with it. I don;t really wonder like I thought I would. I think mostly because I wasn't feeling as positive after the ER. I hate to sound wimpy but it kicked my ass. I never thought I would be sore for so long and I felt like it screwed my mojo up majorly. And then the being thrown for a loop with transferring one didn't help me mentally. I felt just off. I don't think in anyway I jinxed the cycle ;) In fact after watching the transfer and such, I felt like it would stick if it was meant to stick. And thought it would work! But as days went by NOTHING was happening! I wasn't feeling symptoms of pregnancy. I have been pregnant many times and even my super early m/c I could tell. I just wasn't feeling anything! So I mourned for days before even 14dpo. I am happy I tested early because getting slammed all on one days would have crushed me. Not that I wasn't crushed, but it was over a period of a few days. I also didn't want our IVF coordinator to be the one to tell me.
So I never did have my WTF appointment. I think because I weaseled my way into the next FET cycle. They wanted me to do the Dec cycle and I thought that's what they would say. I was dead set against doing it during Dec and finding out during Christmas? NO THANKS. So after a bit they agreed thankfully!
I did however speak with my Dr. and he agreed we will be transferring 2 frosties :)
So this we will be transferring the two 5AA from group 1!  I can;t believe I have 2 beautiful ones to transfer! Honestly this is the first thing to go as planned! Everything I have hoped for never seems to happen but my frosties did! And I am so grateful!
Straw #1: 5AA
Straw #2: 5AA
Straw #3: 5BB
Straw #4: 3AB
Straw #5: 5BA X2
Straw #6: 3BB
Straw #7: 5AA group B 

I think I have been avoiding thing post because I am so afraid... I can;t even think about if this didn't work. And now my bubble has been burst by having a failed IVF cycle ya know? So everything can appear perfect and beautiful and still get a BFN :/ I just can't wrap my brain around it NOT working so I have avoided feeling much to be honest. Just been on autopilot.

Beyond that, when we started looking into IVF, I was afraid of twins. Scared the crap out of me and I have never been the one to want them. I knew I had to work past this if we would be doing IVF. Slowly but surly I started googling and warming myself up tot he idea. Day dreaming all the positives and solving all the imaginary issues that would come up in my head. By the time of transfer I was actually excited at the thought. 50% of me wanted twins! But then when we transferred only one I had to re-frame my thinking. To soften the disappointment, I looked at all the possible issues and all the good things about having only one. And now back to possibility of having twins is back? I feel like I am at square one! I am afraid!! It's been a mind F*&^! I am sure I will get over it. I have 6 weeks to work on my issues! LOL!

FET Calendar

I meant to actually post my calendar for the IVF cycle but never got around to it... But here is my FET Calendar! I am hoping maybe it will help someone else!

random

Tonights fortune cookie

Not pregnant

Beta was negative.
Been grieving for a few days now so today doesn't suck as bad as I thought it would. Just wanted to update and will post on JM later.
I am lucky to be surrounded by so much love.