I guess it's time to blog

My post on the forum I am on are getting to be too much. I feel like I have too much to say and it shouldn't all be about me. Besides, other people have it worse and don't need to hear my bitching.

I think I need to blog to work this stuff out on paper. I tend to cement it that way.

I really don't feel like going into the history right now. Maybe later. I will probably just post date a few of my posts and turn them into blogs.

I am just really trying to figure out what I am doing on this path and how to get the hell off it quickly. I feel like the universe is telling me to stop but I know thats BS. I see too many women in my own life that do not need to be pregnant to know that fate, God or the universe have nothing to do with it. I think kuck and our crappy bodies are what it's about. Some are randomly given good fertility, while others handed crap. Doesn't mean they are "meant" to be mothers. I know this to be far from the truth.

So now this is the longest I have TTC. I have spent more time TTC than I have pregnant in my life. I guess with my age I should have expected it? I just thought since I treat my body so much better that it would somehow even out my age. I am 100 pounds lighter! Shouldn't that do it? Although I don't know if it's me or DH's issues or a combo of both. And unless I need to know, I don't want to know. It doesnt help matters unless we can "fix" it.
I spoke with the IVF clinic and he sees no reason to continue trying Femara and IUIs for a few more cycles. Worked before, so it should work again. What if my gut doesn't think so? What if there are issues he doesn't see? I still have not had an HSG because of the allergy to iodine. I also feel like we are wasting time and my fertility waiting. My numbers were great but who knows where they are at now and where they will be 6 months from now. My mother went into menopause early, who knows if that's my fate. Grated she was 'too fertile' *rolleyes*
I think I am sick of feeling out of control. It is such a huge trigger for me. My anxiety is a constant battle and I feel like I am losing half the time. I feel like I keep pushing everything down down down but it is creeping up quicker and quicker. And things are thrown at me too often now. Normally midcycle I am excited at the thought of Oing but this last week has sucked with DH's SA results, only two follicles and now the possibility of Endometrial Polyp. And I know my kids suffer. They have no idea but they know something isn't right. Altho its been 21 cycles of this and I am beginning to think they are used to it and just think mom and step dad are bipolar. So not a joke even. We try not to involve them and stay happy around them but it's a challenge. There are times I don't want to even get out of bed :(

So then I start thinking ENOUGH! Lets just do the IVF. But is that too rash? And then questions like what about extra embryos? Or what if we have twins? Can my body handle it (long stpry). And I think maybe that isn't the best idea. And do I want to put THAT much money out because I am being impaient. But what if I am not being impaient. My gut tells me this is where we are headed anyway and that the IUIs and such are pointless. ARG, I dont know. I want someone to tell me what to do. To shed light on this and make me have an ah-ha moment where I see the plan clearly and am content with it.
I have been trying to give it to God. I dont think I have ever asked that before honestly. But I am trying now. I keep praying for guidance or just some of the burden off my shoulders. I am hoping an answer or help or at least some contentment is right around the corner.